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Review:Cherry Bear says:
First of all, I love your summary for this. I think I have an addiction to ambiguous clever summaries, and yours grabbed my attention. And then your writing held my attention (: I like how you build up the suspense about what happened in this chapter, and yet you almost taunt the reader by interspersing Louis' reflection on his punishment with other tangents - his feminine handwriting, the coffee, the fact that the sundress is Dominique's. All very well-written and nicely included details, but definitely frustrating when I'm sitting at my computer going, "WHAT HAPPENED?!" And the little hints that you drop about his punishment and what he could have possibly done to deserve it (mentions of adventuring and the Magical Maintenance team and three girls) all sort of drove me up the wall. So, all in all, is that you did a really excellent job of building up my interest in this story in this first chapter.

I'm especially intrigued by Louis' conclusion that he is too lucky - it seems an odd sentiment to have and I'm curious to see that explained in further chapters. Everything in this prologue is just all so mysterious and vague and I'm not really sure what to say about it except that you've definitely tempted me to read the next chapter, just to see how you might start to explain and tie everything together. Who is the girl? Why would he destroy the letter? How is girlfriend farthest from the truth? And, I repeat, WHO IS THE GIRL? :o

Anyway, I think you had a really good balance between introspection and real-life-events here. I especially admired your transition from his introspection - "Realising suddenly how deep and oddly insightful your thoughts have become..." - because I know that's something that I always personally struggle with, but you somehow pulled it off without making it seem abrupt or at all choppy. Mad props, yo.

I think my favorite part of this chapter is, naturally, the part where Louis gets caught with feathers in his mouth. I'm sort of a sadist in that I get extreme pleasure out of awkward moments, and I love how you captured that awkward moment for Louis. It added a nice contrast to the semi-serious nature of the rest of the chapter, but then you pulled me right back to detective-mode with your super secret letter and its sender. I love the amount of detail you went into about the letter and Louis sort-of inspection of it. It was, again, an excellent tension builder. And at the end of the chapter I just kept scrolling down, thinking, "Is he going to open it? Is he going to open - WHAT. NO."

So, yeah, I really don't have any criticisms at all (which is a little rare for me, so be proud). I thought this was extremely well-written and I especially loved how you almost seemed to come in full circle. You started out with Louis talking about his punishment and how it was worth it, and you concluded in the same way. And, in the middle, you told us not very much about what exactly he did, told us a little bit about his punishment and everyone's reaction to it, and introduced an ominous letter and some girl. Excellent work! Now on to the next chapter (:

Cherry Bear

Author's Response: Haha, thanks so much! I was kinda concerned about the summary - there's nothing in there about the actual plot, as such, and I've never done one like that before - so I'm glad it drew you in! Sorry about the frustration! :P You will find out, I promise... eventually! ;)

It is an odd conclusion - not one I've ever made myself, tbh - but it will be explained (at least, I'm planning on explaining it, which perhaps isn't quite the same) towards the end. Hm... I could answer those questions, but I can't for fear of spoilers :P (Also, just for the record, you won't meet the girl just yet :P)

Honestly, I hate that bit - it seems really choppy to me! I always hate doing that as well, because it's so frustrating to try and find a way to do it - but it was so necessary in this! I'm glad you thought it worked though! :D

Haha, I do the same thing! It was just a bit of humour, because there will be humour, to break things up. Plus, I think it's one of those things most people would do at some point when writing with feather quills, you know? Ah, the letter... I debated about having him open it, but decided not to in the end :P Sorry! :D

Gosh, thanks so much! *is proud* I actually really enjoyed writing this - once Louis decided to cooperate, it came out pretty quickly. Thank you so much again - this review was really, really lovely!

Aph xx


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