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Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

First off I really like your summary of this story! It was just enough information to really bring an interest to me and make me want to read this story. I just wanted to point out though that you should give it a really quick read-through-- read it out loud to yourself and move some of the commas around as some of the pauses where you have them are un-necessary. It sounds sort of silly, but if you say the words out loud to yourself it really helps to find where the natural pauses should occur. I didn't notice this as I read through the chapter, though, so just take another look at your summary- to me, if there's anything you want absolutely perfect it's that first bit of information about your story, so take a look at that :)

Okay, onto the story! This is just- again- personal opinion, but the indents of the paragraphs are distracting. Since you are writing on a web-page and you have the spaces between the paragraphs anyway, the indents really don't need to be there.

quill as he watched his cousin and sister pondering over the same chest move for nearly thirty minutes. --'chest' should be 'chess' ; I noticed this a few times.

I thought the banter between James and Albus was very entertaining and original. Usually I read James the prankster picking on bookworm Albus, so it was neat the way you expanded on their characters to the point that Albus had to ask James for help with his homework. You mentioned James' potential: I don't know what your plans are for him in the future but I think you should go with expanding on him as a 'comic relief' character- he made me laugh the most through this chapter and was fun to read about. I liked Lily and Hugo as well- I would like to see more of them as their individual personalities expand, but I thought it was sweet at the end how she was affectionate towards her brothers when no one was around.

And Manx! I really liked how you introduced her. With her-- depending on what classes she is in with Albus-- work on the showing vs. telling. I understand that she's as smart as Hermione and Rose, but make sure that plays through as they go to classes- instead of saying 'she's smart, intelligent, etc." show how she's raising her hand in every class and correcting people. Things like that, if that makes sense? :)

I really liked how this was sort of a 'normal' chapter. From the sounds of the summary it seems like this is going to be very action filled. It was a neat way to set up the story by showing how mundane Albus' life has started out, eventually morphing into the plot-line you have set up with summary.

You mentioned in your request that sometimes you are in a rush and miss things; I didn't notice anything prominent here, but what I would suggest is to take your time. It's more important to publish something of quality that you are proud of, so keep that in mind. If something has to take an extra day to publish because you want to do an extra read-through, your readers will appreciate the wait when everything reads easier. I fell into the 'get the most chapters published as quickly as possible' idea when I first started writing on here, so I'm just letting you know from experience :)

I really enjoyed the start of your story, so please feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted! I hope this review was helpful :)

Author's Response: Hi Moonyxluna! Thank you so much for your review. All valid points and I can't wait to share more of this story with you. I've already went back and changed three chapters because I was so pumped to really show how similar and different Albus is from Harry. Harry was a little boy when his adventure started and he was gung-ho about proving himself. Albus is sixteen, he's heard the stories and he knows that there's sacrifices to be made. He's a lot more cautious although he's got a killer curious streak.
I'll go back and fix that story summary. I didn't realize how hard it would be to actually write one. And I still have to figure out how to make the indentations disappear! But as soon as I can, I'll submit another request. Thank you so much!


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