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Review:HPPC Staff says:
This was very emotional. *teartear* I liked how you sued the lyrics of the song to add to the story, rather then just walking around them. A lot of people just chuck them in, but you used them to your advantage and they really added to the story. They are beautiful lyrics, aren't they? XP Well done!

You show the feelings of both girls marvellously, and switch between the two really well as well. It was a smart choice doing one then the other and then mixing them together, rather than mixing from the start, for it made it much easier to understand. Bringing them together as well at the end provided a really nice link connecting them together.

Something that confused me a little was that you sometimes switched between first person POV and third person POV. I can see this is because of the lyrics, but occasionally in the middle there I had to go back up and check that it was the character that I was thinking off. It works better in the last bit, with the speech marks around them. Much clearer. Another thing, I would suggest getting a Beta, just to pick up on a couple of punctuation marks and things that go missing (there's a typo in your title, btw, slightly annoying me). I would also check your formatting before posting, sometimes just in the last bit an extra space gets slipped in. Just a small thing to help with the readability.

Overall, a magical job. Beautifully written with a lot of raw emotion in it. :D

Author's Response: I'm glad you thought it was emotional, that is what I was going for(:
Thanks, I was really hoping I could use the lyrics well. And I also love the lyrics!
I am glad you thought I used the mixing well!
And I totally understand what you mean by the POV's, I will try to fix that.
And yeah, I probably could use a beta! I will do that. And wow, I dont think I ever realized tha ttypo
thanka for all the crittisism!

~Sarah
Xxxx


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