Hi! Here with your requested review :)
So I'm having that same sort of moment when I read your work that I have no idea what to say when I get to the end. So I'll try to string together something that can hopefully be at least a little helpful, if not praise-filled :)
I loved that this was Lily chasing after Severus; too many times Snape/Lily is all Severus' feelings for her and maybe/maybe not the other way around. It was good to see such strong feelings from a different point of view.
From what we know of Lily, I thought this stayed true to her character, even as you took her feelings to the next level and having her have more romantic feelings than just plutonic.
are the descriptions overdone/too long?-- ummm... NO! Your writing always paints such a vivid picture for the reader, so please don't ever take away from that. It felt like I was dreaming this story. As weird as that feels to type out, the whole time I was reading that's what I was feeling like; this was a dream. It was written with such an attention to the little details of ordinary things that it painted such a beautiful picture for me reading this to go through the 'walk' of Lily's feelings.
I get it though; I do understand why you are concerned. In trying to be helpful and gushing aside, here's my two cents. I've read through this three times trying to find anything I could tell you to take a look at to shorten. I can't give you anything. Everything word of every paragraph just.. it fits. It all flows together in a pristine, emotional way that brought me to speechlessness. ['speechlessness' except to tell you how lovely it is, of course ;)] If it is something that you are still concerned about maybe try reading the passages aloud and taking out some of the things your gut deems 'too much'. Nowhere close to this level of detail, but that's something that always helps me get some of the 'un-necessary' words/moments out.
The part about 'words' was what impacted me the most reading through this. Especially after you said this was set to be a few weeks before Snape's Worst Memory, it sort of foretells what's to come in a very heartbreaking way. Plus I thought it was creative, in a sense that you wrote this for the 'no dialogue' challenge :)
This was such a beautiful look at a little bit of Lily's temptation into darker things. I have nothing but the highest praise for this beautiful one-shot. I wish I could be more help; but honestly, just please keep writing the way you are, because it's so eloquent and gives me so much to look up to.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for stopping by to read and review this story! I really appreciate it, especially because of the lovely long review you've left - they're always a wonderful treat to receive. If it helps, when I get these reviews, I have no idea what to say in return. You've come up with an excellent, beautiful thing for me, and I hope that I can give you something worthwhile in return. ^_^
It's good to hear that this characterization of Lily still fits into canon. She's always been a challenge for me to write, and this is the closest I've ever gotten to writing her thoughts - usually I take another character's perspective, like in the series. It's been one of those obsessive challenges and now, after you and other reviewers have assured me that this version of Lily works, I can die happy. :D Well... maybe not, but I can definitely be satisfied now with the way I write Lily.
Thank you for your honesty about the length. It was really worrying me, and you've set me at ease. At times while writing the story, it seemed like I was just spinning my wheels, but if all of the words do contribute to the overall atmosphere, then I'm very glad to have included them. The atmosphere is incredibly important to this story - I don't know why, but the dungeon is almost as much a character as Lily and Snape - and Lily's thoughts make it very otherworldly. Th place has a strong effect upon her, and now, rereading your review, I can say that the setting is what made Lily's characterization work. She does not fit this setting - she's too bright, too red, too alive - and it rejects her in the end, just as much as she rejects it.
Your review is very helpful, and I really appreciate the effort that you've put into that - it's great to have had a second set of eyes look over this story to make sure that there isn't extraneous material. Flow and meaningfulness are important to me, though sometimes I lose track of them when my imagination runs wild. I've gone over the story myself and nipped a couple of words, but I didn't have the heart to lose some of those descriptions. *hides*
I know I sound gushy, but I'm going to squefully thank you again. *huggles* I can't express how much it's meant to hear your opinions on this story, and I'm very glad that you've enjoyed this story, too. ^_^