Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! Here with your requested review :)

It's good to see Teddy growing out of the loss of Victorie. I like that you started out with him still crying over Victorie and unable to sleep to growing through it. Even after two months it was good to see him taking Christian out and introducing him to the world. I also like that it connected just like a newborn that won't sleep through the night. It goes back to that him and Christian are in this together; I thought it was very sweet.

There was one thing I noticed.. I think it was more of a technical error than anything when you said Christian had Teddy's eyes.. You mentioned before that Christian hadn't gotten Teddy's metamorphic abilities so maybe just mention something like 'Teddy wore his eyes green' as a normal color, and he guessed that's where his son had gotten the trait from' - or something along those lines.

Natalie was nice so far, she seems like a really sweet person so far. I was sort of surprised she was introduced so quickly, so I'm interested to see how she's going to grow into a character that can help Teddy out of this mournful time in his life.

He had always liked it here when Teddy would bring him, and he knew Christian loved playing in the waves. -- this sentence was confusing to me. In the one before you are talking about Teddy staying for dinner, so the 'He' at the start of this one looks like you're still talking about Teddy. I think his name here either needs to be changed to 'Victorie' (like saying :Teddy always liked it here when Victorie brought him) or change the 'He' to Christian, (saying: Christian always liked it here when Teddy would bring him; he loved playing in the waves) Either one :)

I did like how you had him feel so haunted by being at Shell Cottage- even after all the time that Victorie has been gone it's sort of bittersweet to see that he still holds all of those memories so close to him.

One thing I can think that would help bring up the word count is to work on your transitions-- one example I can think is when Teddy apparates him and Christian to Shell Cottage- it would add more if you had him bring Christian around a corner, and even start in that toddler 'why' stage about why they had to hide. Right now it's sort of as if they just got off the swings and disappeared in front of all the muggles in the park. Just give that extra sentence here or there to make the jump from one part of the chapter to the next a little more defined, if that makes sense?

I think you have a really great story setup here, so keep it up! Re-request when the next chapter is posted :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it so far. I do see what you are talking about with the errors and I'll fix them...eventually, lol. And thanks for the tip on apparation and stuff. This review was amazing and I really appreciate it, even if it did take me months to get back to you!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 824
Submit Report: