|Review:||Cherry Bear says:|
First, I have to say that I find this story really relatable. As someone who is learning that she has to grow up (and is also embarrassingly inexperienced in the relationship area) I understand exactly what Molly is going through, with feeling like she's supposed to be a different way than she is but being happy the way she is. You capture her feelings and this state of weird in-between so well that it's hard not to understand. But, even as you keep things realistic, you also manage to slip in these little bits of humor that just really make this story shine - how Molly doesn't know how to wash socks yet, George's parenting skills (or lack thereof), whether or not to count Roger.
That being said, I have a few criticisms. Sometimes, as wonderful as your descriptions are, it almost feels like there's too much description and build-up. Molly is very tangential in her narration and, while that's not necessarily a bad thing if it's a part of her character, it still makes for a sort of unbalanced story, because there is so much description and introspection and not quite as much actual dialogue and plot. And, when you do have dialogue (for example, the interaction between Dexter and Molly near the end), it seems a little weak and rushed compared to the strength of your descriptions, so maybe work on that a little?
Aside from that, there are also a few little nit-picky grammar things that need fixing. In "'Sod off.' Molly said" there should be a comma after 'off' instead of a period. There are a few other examples like this, but then sometimes you correctly punctuate your dialogue, so these instances could just be typos. If you need help with dialogue punctuation, though, there are some great Grammar Guidelines on the forum that are really helpful - or you could always get a beta, since it's always good to have a second set of eyes (:
But, all the criticism aside, I really did enjoy this. I think it's a fairly accurate portrayal of teenage parties. I also quite liked the dynamic between Dexter and Molly - how Molly brings up Dexter's promiscuous ways and expresses her annoyance with him, if only because it seems to defy every expectation I have for Molly Weasley. I think that's why I enjoy your characterization of Molly so much; you're not casting her in that stereotypical, shy bookworm role that most authors do. Admittedly, she started out as a geek, but she still does normal teenager things - things you wouldn't expect from Percy's daughter. And I really appreciate that...it's definitely a breath of fresh air.
Overall, the story seems intriguing. As a nerd, I especially like title and the grammar nerdiness of this story (: I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes.
Author's Response: Hey there Cherry Bear (that rhymed and I enjoyed the fact that it rhymed far too much for it to be entirely healthy but, ack nevermind).
The main thing that I was going for in this story was a bit of relatability. The whole premise for this story was wanting to write about growing up - it's such an interesting process, I think, and you don't see many stories about it so I thought I might as well give it a try and I'm pretty glad I did. And the humoury bits were really fun to write too.
Ahha, it's definitely very tangential. A lot wordy than a lot of things I write, I think, because of the subject matter... but I'll definitely be going back over the whole dialogue sections and having a look at that.
OH. The dialogue thing. Yeah, basically... I used to do it wrong. Then I went back and edited all the wrong bits but obviously I missed a couple of them, hence the inconsistency ahha.
I really like Molly Weasley as a character and she's fast becoming one of my favourite next gens. I think everyone would have had a lot of expectations about her so it would have been a bit hard for her to live with all these expectations, and yeah... I don't think she'd have been all that happy to live up to them.
Thanks for the lovely review! :)