|Review:||Cherry Bear says:|
I was extremely intrigued by the summary of this story, and I'm glad I clicked on it; I don't think I've ever read another story that describes the process of becoming a Death Eater. I especially liked how you kept the narrator nameless, but still managed to give him a little bit of a past and a personality. It definitely takes talent to establish a character in such a short amount of words, but I think you've managed that fairly well here.
A couple of nit-picky things:
- in the sentence, "Malfoy Manner, in the dark of the night was not the most pleasant sight," Malfoy Manner should actually be Malfoy Manor. A manner is a behavior; a manor is a large house.
- in the sentence, "Luscious Malfoy, a friend of my father looks down at me," Luscious is actually spelled Lucius.
- in the sentence, "He grabbed my chin and forcing my face up at him," your tenses are inconsistent. It should be either, "He grabbed my chin and forced my face up at him" or "He grabbed my chin, forcing my face up at him". Does that make sense? If you're confused, there are some really great topics in the Grammar Guidelines forum that might help!
There are a few other similar mistakes in here (not too many), so I recommend going over some of the topics in that forum or even getting a beta reader. It's really nice to have an extra set of eyes to read things over (:
Aside from those minor errors, I didn't see anything wrong with this story structurally wise or anything. At parts, your writing was really strong. I think my favorite line was: "I imagine my father, safe at home, drinking away the lies". The phrase "drinking away the lies" is so short, so simple (just four little words) but it's so powerful, and it really tells you so much. I think one of the many challenges of writing is capturing stories in few words, and you've done that wonderfully here.
That being said, I would've liked to have seen this fleshed out a bit more. It seems almost too rushed. I know Voldemort was probably trying to get as many followers as possible, but it still seems fairly abrupt and I think there's more you could do here. I think you could even include more of the character's inner thoughts, because his mind is bound to be overflowing. It is, of course, an author's prerogative; it's merely a suggestion (:
All in all, I thought that this was really unique and I'm definitely interested in seeing you continue this story. It says it's a WIP, so does that mean you're going to follow this OC through his Death Eater days, or are you going to switch between different Death Eaters? Either way, I'd be interested in seeing what happens next. Good job!
Author's Response: WOW!! THANK YOU. This is probably the best Review Battle review i've ever gotten. Thank you so much for the CC, and everything, it is very much appreciated. :)