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Review:SiriuslyPeeved says:
Hi Jchrissy,

The emotional core of this story is very strongly written. I liked your portrayal of Fleur which acknowledges the negative sides of her personality and doesn't make her too perfect.

The remembered attack scene in the Pensieve had a good build-up of suspense and sense of growing peril, and I could feel Bill's shock at Fleur spitting on the defeated assailant. (tiny typo note: the spoken incantation of the Cruciatus curse is "Crucio" :) ). I'm not entirely sure Fleur would use a Cruciatus curse in canon but as this is a life or death situation, a good case could be made for self-defense.

I don't think the story is too long at all! There are points where I might make the scene changes clearer to the reader's mind through the use of description. The post-funeral scene in particular feels a tiny bit rushed. I would love to read more about the atmosphere in Bill and Fleur's home, descriptions of those who were there, and how they may have changed since the Battle of Hogwarts.

I know how challenging it is to write dialogue in an accent; I struggle constantly with accents in my own stories. Fleur's French accent could be lightened up just a little bit; some of the accent spellings are distracting in places. The other thing I noticed is that you could change some of the phrases in all capitals to regular text (possibly italicized for emphasis) and it might flow more easily. I'm thinking particularly of Fleur's announcement she is expecting Bill's child and the "yes" and "Fleur" in prior paragraphs.

Overall, this chapter might benefit from a quick beta-reading, there are a few instances of colons confused with semicolons and sentence fragments which could be smoothed out to give the story a little more polish.

Overall I really enjoyed this portrayal of Bill and Fleur's romance, and would love to read more if you ever expand beyond a one-shot! Cheers!

Author's Response: I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond! I wanted to make a few of your suggested corrections first, but RL got to me.

Thank you so much for your review and CC, I can't wait to incorporate it into my story!


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