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Review:SiriuslyPeeved says:
Hi Aguamenti,

I think you've done a very solid job setting up the emotional atmosphere of your story. George's persistent feeling of emptiness and inability to truly express his grief are so well depicted, as is the contrast between George's and Molly's ways of grieving. It was heartbreaking to read. (frankly I myself am still upset about Fred! ;) )

You asked for feedback on Percy's character, and I liked how you used him here -- I could see him trying to atone for abandoning his family by trying to manage and "improve" them, with good intentions but utilizing sometimes annoying methods. I love the image of Percy going through the books for the shop.

Mechanical notes: I think you might get a smoother flow if you combined a few of your sentence fragments using semicolons. I like using sentence fragments now and again myself for effect (they punch up the emotional impact of a phrase) but it can feel choppy if they are used close together. Let me know if this is unclear, I know you didn't ask for a full beta read :)

I really enjoyed this, please feel free to re-request! Best wishes with your writing!

Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you for your comments on the whole atmosphere of it, I'll try and draw out the contrast between George and Molly a bit more later on. And thanks for the Percy comments!
Okay, I'll improve my phrasing, reading back I see your point about the overused fragmented sentences!
Again, thanks very much for the review, and I probably will re-request at some point! :)

-Aguamenti


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