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Review:PenguinsWillReignSupreme says:
*lollops in full of shame and a thousand apologies*
I hate life sometimes. I'm so sorry this has taken me so long but I hope to make up for it by reviewing a couple of your stories by way of apology and I hope that this review isn't too awful. I'm a bit out of practice.

Okay, so firstly: Molly II ♥ She has a very special place in my fanfiction heart and it still amazes me that it's taken so long for her to become a character people consider making a protagonist in their stories, or at least not representing her as mini-Percy (far less common now than it used to be but still hugely annoying!).

I think this is a beautiful concept and you set up the backstory really well in the first chapter which is obviously crucial. You set the scene really gradually and it started to piece together bit by bit, which is always an indicator of someone's talent. The fact that Lucy was dead was always lingering there but by not making it explicit until the end of the chapter let some doubt creep in.

Your characterisation is really strong, too, which can probably be traced back to your description and the way in which you've written it. It's a huge positive that you can bring across the emotional depth of the funeral without ever really explicitly saying that is where we are. Even the snippets of Audrey and Percy that we see here allows the characters to come across really strongly and I got a good sense of what you wanted to do with them and how the family dynamics work (and used to work, when Lucy was still there).

Some of the spelling and grammar was a little off which detracted from the flow quite a bit but that's nothing that a good beta wouldn't be able to put right very quickly and easily. Take the first sentence: I understand what you wanted to get at and the effect you wanted, but the two negatives don't quite work and make it hard for the reader to get their head around (and it might be even harder for someone whose first language isn't English). It's just little things like that which add up and disrupt the flow a little bit but which are really easy to fix with a good beta.

I think the most important thing, however, is getting the reader to want to read on and I most definitely do. Although we've had the backstory, the actual plot of the actual story isn't yet clear so naturally, I want to see what comes next and how this chapter impacts upon the rest of the story. The story's summary is intriguing and the title is absolutely beautiful so I doubt you'll have any problems in attracting readers.

Like I said, I'm a bit out of practice so I don't think I have much else to say. I think this is a really solid start and that you have a really good writing style that could be improved with a bit of work on the grammar/spelling side of things. If you've got any questions at all, please feel free to PM me and if you want a beta, I'm free and would love to work on this with you! This story has a lot of potential.

I'm still so sorry about how long this has taken but thank you for being so patient!

Rachel

Author's Response: Oh my days! No worries Rachel, RL comes first, always, no need for an apology at all! I was actually a little nervous for you to come and review at all because you mentioned in your response to my review that you hate 1st person as well and this thing is definitely all in 1st.

=D I really adore Molly and i'm glad you feel for her as well. I feel like there are so many James/OC, Rose, or Albus stories that some of the other characters just get missed or people rely on the easy interpretation of them, like Molly being a mini Percy for instance.

I'm pleased that you felt like i set the stage well. I thought that having the death known from the very beginning would actually detract from the emotions. It was the ambiguity and her own confusion that i wanted to express the emotion of this piece. Which is one of the main driving forces behind this tale.

It's such a huge compliment to me when you talked about the strength of the characterization so thank you for that. For me, characterization is a major part of the writing i do. I never really have a firm grasp on them though, i mean, I have vague ideas but i like to let them surprise me along the way. That's one of the things that keeps writing interesting for me. There is that element of letting them just write themselves. I hope that makes sense and i'm not just blabbering like an idiot. Molly was the only one i knew about as i already wrote something on her and it's in my mind to keep the two stories tied together.

You want to beta this thing? bah! I love you. I really do! I know i have issues in the grammar department but it's SO hard to find a beta sometimes, a good one, and i'd be delighted if you would help me along the way! I'll PM you tonight or tomorrow about it though.

Thanks SO much for this review, honestly, it was really lovely and you really seemed like you got it.

-zayne


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