Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Remus says:
Hey! Perelandra here from the forums. This is the first Hunger Games/HP crossover that I've read. I haven't read the books but my sister LOVES them so I know the main story line.

Alright so in the first paragraph I spotted a few problems. First off, it's a long, long paragraph. You should break it down to two at least.

The lines that read 'It meant saying goodbye to your best friend; your child; your grandchild; your schoolmate. It didnít matter whoís names were pulled out of the pristine glass jar, somebody lost someone.'

And then the line 'Somebody lost a friend; somebody lost a child. Sooner or later, everybody lost someone.' These two lines are very, very similar. You're saying basically the same thing. I recommend you mix the both to have a much better flow.

Also, in the first paragraph you have 'It was that one day of the year that everyone wanted to forget about that.' I suggest that you replace the first 'that' to 'the' OR drop the second 'that'.

"Sirus's hand tightened" Did you mean Sirius?

"For a lot of parents there youngest child" Change 'there' to 'their'.

Question, did you mean to change Sirius' name? Because you constantly wrote Sirius' name as 'Sirus'.

You have some grammar issues. You're missing commas, periods and even some quotation marks.

Overall this is very interesting. I like how Dumbledore is the president and Umbridge as Effie.

Remus felt very in character while Sirius felt a bit off, but that's just me.

Your flow is a bit rough due to the punctuation issues you have. Specially with dialogue tags.

I think that's it! :D

--Perelandra

Author's Response: Thank you for taking your time to leave such a lengthy review. I'll be sure to take all of that into consideration when I'm editing it :D Thank you!

Jas, x


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 632
Submit Report: