ok guys, I'm REALLY really sOrrY but i couldn't stop to review every chapter.
It was just so intriguing!!! I needed more!!
First off, whatever you have up is absolutely BRILLIANT!! It is such a great base for the story line.
I have to say, the chapters are quite short, but its just the beginning right??!! Im sure that as you develop more personality in your characters and introduce everyone thoroughly, they will become longer.
Im feeling in the mood for analysis today, so expect more constructive thoughts!!
Ok, so basically there are a few things that as a fellow reader and reviewer, i would like to point out that can possibly help you make your story that tad bit better, and hopefully get it read more, consequently.
1. I really really liked it. And i favourited it. So be PROUD!! Honestly, the start of the story is very sentimental and it provides so much backstory and depth to the character's personalities' that we know of so far. But i feel that yes the chapters were short, and that maybe instead of writing more scenes, maybe you could expand on the ones that you already have?
Maybe you could add more dialog, or introduce the other characters more, maybe give them their own paragraph describing what they're doing??
e.g Kings cross station scene, maybe give other characters such as Lily and Ginny their own intro? maybe they might be arguing over something? or maybe Ginny is fussing over Lily?
try to introduce new conversations/situations into the ones that you already have otherwise the story might sound a bit plain and simple. Great stories usually have a lot going on at the same time, but not too much. This enables the writer to write more (more words!!) and it also provides a kind of background atmosphere, in other words it sets the mood of the scene.
2. Try NOT to move on to another thing too quickly. It seems that the story is quite rushed/or it is because you are not describing the scenes/feelings enough? Definitely the later.
The story is NOT rushed. But i would advise you to maybe elaborate on Rina's feelings. e.g when she has been locked out of the compartment, maybe expand about how she felt pissed/betrayed by/at James, write about what she feels. what she is THINKING.
Although, yes you do write Rina's thoughts in some areas, that needs to be present throughout the WHOLE story. Not just some bits. Otherwise, as mentioned before, the story feels kind of empty. (It also adds to the word count).
3. The reason that I'm mentioning the word count a lot is because, although many people look at how many chapters and reviews a story has before reading it, they also look at its word count.
e.g lets say a story is 5 chapters long, but only contains 3000 words. divide 3000 by 5, you get 600. 600 Words for a chapter, isn't quite long in hpff terms, it is not enough. So if a reader looks at that, they may decide that the story isn't descriptive enough, therefore it isn't a good one. Conclusion = they won't read it. They will just scroll down and read another.
Ok, so I know I sound like a total know-it-all, and I know that im giving you a lot of advice, that you can either take positively or negatively, but I'm really just trying to help.
I myself am currently working on my own James2/OC story, and i admit, it is quite hard to write a story that will get read.
I have read A LOT of hp fan fiction while I've been here, and heaps more before i actually decided to join and become a member, and let me tell you that it is hard. IT IS HARD PEOPLE!! It IS hard to get your story read and appreciated, and the only way that it can become successful and appreciated is with advice, and help.
I KNOW THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST STORY!!! AND I KNOW THAT YOUR PROBABLY THINKING< HOW DARE SHE CRITICISE ME!!> BUT IM REALLY JUST TRYING TO HELP!!!
I know that when I post my first chapter, i will definitely want as much feedback as I can POSSIBLY get, simply because i want to improve my story and make it better.
I think I've given you enough to think about, but to end id like to say that i have A LOT of hope in this story. I believe that you can go far, if you just push yourself.
Great story, a bit to work on, but SO FAR SO GOOD!!!
P.S I will be reviewing every chapter from now on, not as harsh as this, because i really love this story.
Lots of love from,
Author's Response: HI. YOU ARE AMAZING. First of all, thank you for favouritng AND reviewing! Secondly, no, we are not offended in any way by your criticism. On the contrary, we are SO GRATEFUL! We are taking ALL of your advice and applying it to our works.
Yes, our chapters are short, but like you said, it's because it's just the beginning. As the story goes on, they will get longer, we promise! As for dialogue, we realize now that we could have and should have added dialogue for Rose, Ginny, etc. Again though, as the story goes on, you'll be seeing more of them and therefore there will be dialogue, and lots of it! On rushing, our plot actually starts a bit late in the story. So without realizing it, we rushed the first few chapters because we're just so excited to get to it. All in all, we will definitely add more of Rina's thoughts and feelings, more dialogue, and more length!
And no, you do not sound like a know-it-all. You sound like you KNOW what you're talking about. You sound like an actual writer. And we can't thank you enough for giving us all these tips and suggestions! We hope that you do not give up on us, this story, or our future works. It would mean the world to us if you would please continue to review and help!
Furthermore, sorry about this late response; we were just mind-blown by your fantastic review. We struggled with writing a suitable and good enough response to such a wonderful review. Fanfiction is all about improving your writing skills. By giving us this feedback, you allow us to do just that. So once more, thank you TONNS! :)