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Review:Mistress says:
Hey! I wanted to come by and check out your story so far!

There are a lot of things I really like and some stuff you can definitely work on. So I figured I'd share some thoughts. I really love the premise. I love the idea of them having this holiday all together. Are you going to be giving more background of what happened before the story took place while they were there?

I also like that Rose and Dom are best friends. You really don't see that too often and I think it's brilliant. I like that Rose sees herself as Average and not "ugly." That's refreshing.

I would suggest maybe running this through a beta before you post it? You've got most of the stuff down, but there are some punctuation errors that threw me (like when you do dialogue, don't forget there is a comma and not a period: "blah blah," said Al.)

I also really like that it is in present tense!!

Another thing that you may want to fix in edits, is your introduction of SO many characters in the first chapter. Generally, you want to introduce as few as possible in your first chapter in order for your reader to get to know your mc. I felt like I was thrown from Rose when you gave me the overview of everyone else and to be honest, by the time I got to the end of the chapter, I couldn't remember the details. So save those to be woven in throughout the rest of the story. You don't need every detail of every person thrown in right away! :)

I like that Scorp and Rose don't really like each other, though I'd like to see more motivation than the small paragraph that was devoted to it. I want to know why she's so livid mad. And how Al and Scorp became friends. And what his/her mannerisms are.

For the future: I think you have a lot of great options. Just be very careful with the Head Boy/Girl thing. Don't tread on cliches. If you do cliches, make them new and inventive and interesting! It seems Rose/Scorp has become somewhat of a headcanon, but I know you can make it your own and very interesting.

Just make sure your dialogue furthers the plot. If it doesn't, cut it. You don't need it.

So thank you for the great first chapter and I hope you keep working on the story! Good luck!

Author's Response: Thank you so, so, so much for this review! Not only was it my first, but it was also really helpful. I'm a new author, so everything you said was incredibly useful. I'm glad you enjoyed it and am super thankful for your feedback.
:)


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