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Review:academica says:
Hey! I'm here with another requested review :)

I really enjoyed this chapter. I can already see this story deviating from the cliche a little bit. For one, they're drinking Butterbeer, not Firewhiskey, which to me seems much more believable. I also like that they had a bonfire down by the lake instead of a party in the common room, and that there was some concern about the staff breaking it up. I can see that you've written this with a thorough eye. I might have mentioned this before, but I also like that you've included the war. You would be surprised how many Marauder stories just totally throw it out the window, considering how important I think it is.

I did see a few technical mistakes sprinkled in there, but nothing too bad, just missing commas and misspelled words ('bree' should be 'brie', for one). There was one in particular I wanted to point out: in the paragraph where Sirius turns his nose up at the cheese platter, I had to re-read it a couple of times to figure out that he was speaking, just because of the parentheses. I would consider rephrasing that just to improve the clarity a bit.

I think the story is flowing well, and I don't see anything in this chapter that suggests that more is needed to make the story more solid or interesting. Also, I should mention that you've already got me rooting for your OC and feeling drawn in to her interactions with Sirius. As I'm sure you know, Sirius/OC stories are plentiful on the archive, and so you should be proud of yourself for writing an effective one. I hope you re-request, because I'm interested to see what will happen with them next.

I'd also just like to mention that I liked the dialogue here. I felt like James was a better balance, in terms of still being his 'Marauder' self but also not being quite as humor-driven as he might have been at an earlier time. I thought the 'Lily flower' banter was cute and it made me laugh. I also felt like the other characters were done well, and Peter is included, which is another lovely point.

Nice work! I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: I'm so glad you are finding my OC believable/un-cliched because that is something I am trying so hard to make happen!

And thanks for the grammar/technical tips, I will definitely fix those. I never seem to be able to catch them all in proof-reading, sadly.

Thanks so much for the feedback, it is much appreciated! :)


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