Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap says:
Summer! Hello! It's Deeds here with your requested review! Let's get started!

I tend to do a running review and then tie everything up in the end, I hope that's alright with you. You wanted a general review and to know if Hermione is OOC and if her reaction was warranted.

The smell of bacon wafted up the stairs as a brown haired bundle shifted beneath the duvet, thrown untidily on the bed. The smell intensified filtering through the cracks underneath the door, filling the room, causing the inhabitant of the bed to sit bolt upright. She furrowed her brow at the empty space next to her, stroking the outline indented in the mattress, as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Perfect way to start the first chapter! I want bacon so badly right now and I don't even eat bacon. My mouth is watering like I haven't eaten in ages. Great job on description and great job on working on utilizing our senses as well.

She removed her hands from the table in an attempt to let him place food on her plate as she assumed he was going to do however he bent down for a kiss before taking the whole of his food to the place at the opposite end of the table.

^ Uh. Men. So annoying. Some of them are just so clueless like Ron here. I'll comment more on that in a second but when I read that part my heart dropped in my chest. Serve your girlfriend breakfast Ron! Come on!

On the one day that they'd both had off for the past six months she'd thought that he could have maybe shown a little more consideration but obviously she was mistaken.

I understand why she's mad and it is completely logical and realistic. In reality the littlest things can set us off in relationships because sometimes we think our partner is going to do one thing and they do another and we can't help but feel a little put off. Especially if they haven't had a day off together for such a long time, I would react similarly to Hermione.

Hermione, do you think we should get married?

^ *head meet desk*

Oh Ron.

So, you were worried about Hermione being OOC and if her reaction was warranted. I think it was but you might just want to add a little bit more explanation because I'm kind of left wondering if this is how Ron acts al the time. What kind of relationship they have. Are they happy? Is she happy? Because she rushes off rather quickly and I can't really gauge how mad she is compared to say 'other' times with her response. I can't say if she's OOC. Nothing screamed OOC to me because her reaction was believable and so were her actions.

I really can't critique this too much Summer! You're making requested reviews too easy. I enjoyed the chapter because it still left some mystery to it. What happens when Hermione goes back in time? What happens when she comes back? We don't even get to that yet so right now we just find out the conflict that leads her to rush off from home and would essentially lead her back 40 years. Sounds like an interesting story to read.

I guess the only critique I can give you is to explain the relationship between Ron and Hermione a little bit more, give us more info on the two.

Thanks so much for requesting! If you have any questions/concerns feel free to PM me.

- Deeds

Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for the review! Its a rather long one but I love that because it shows how much time you spent on it *Much love!*

The first paragraph is always the hardest to write in my opinion as you have to entice people in... and what better way to entice them than with bacon?!? Who doesn't love bacon anyway? I must admit I rewrote that about 3 times so I'm glad it came out well because it took so much time.

Ron is just the funniest/stupidest/cutest/most oblivious guy ever! I love him so much and I really did want to show in this that whilst he does some things which are really annoying and not really very considerate he's not a bad person, he's a lovely person who just doesn't realise he has the 'emotional range of a teaspoon' (from JKR)

Hermione is very... difficult to write. I don't really want to reveal all the details of their relationship right now which may seem like she rushes off with a little less explanation than was really needed but it will all come out. Ron does do things which annoy Hermione a lot but she puts up with it because of their love however this time it was the final straw for Hermione especially because it was her day off .

Thank you for the compliments but some critique is always good! This was more of an introduction chapter so stay tuned to see where this is going to go :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 707
Submit Report: