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Review:WeasleyTwins says:
Hi, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested!

You didn't ask for much critique in your AoC in your request, so I'll get right down to it. As to the flow of the story, I really enjoyed all of the description. However, the long paragraphs are a bit overwhelming. Once you transition out of those and into the dialogue with Percy and George, everything smooths out very nicely. It's only that those initial paragraphs are incredibly lengthy. For me personally they weren't a problem, but for other readers, such rather formidable paragraphs can be a bit off-putting. They might become disinterested or fear that it's going to just be dull description (which it isn't - I thought it was lovely). So basically my suggestion would be to break them up into more manageable paragraphs for the reader.

As to the believability, I liked your take on George's reaction to Fred's death. There are many, many ways that he could have reacted and this one is very plausible, very realistic. I like George's despondency - it really sets the mood of the story. I know that this isn't supposed to be funny, but this sentence made me laugh: "His mother sent him so many food parcels he began to feel like a refugee." - It just sounded like something George would say and if Fred had been there, he would have made some ridiculous joke. Perhaps I found it so amusing because it was a subtle reminder of the old George with his twin.

Overall, good chapter! Please feel free to re-request!

Shelby

Author's Response: Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comments!
As to your comment about the long paragraphs, I think I agree there, because they were a bit of a worry to me anyway. I'll take it into account and try and make it a bit more concise in the following chapters :) thanks very much again, especially about the comedy, your critique really helped :D

- Olive


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