Hey again! I'm here with another requested review :)
This chapter was definitely action-packed! I liked the bit about Draco taking off Lucius's ring; the whole time I thought it was a reference to his marriage (perhaps with Astoria?) falling apart, but this twist has an even darker feel to it. I also like how the intensity of the piece has picked up in terms of Narcissa having a seizure and her life being shortened quite a bit. When Amelia delivered the news to Draco, it sort of punched me in the gut as well, and so I think that was quite effective.
I do have a few more critiques for you this time around. There were several places in this chapter where I felt like the writing was a little too formal and omniscient, and it didn't sound quite as natural for me. For example, when Draco and his mother are talking and Draco is talking to Amelia, it comes out sounding more like a speech in a play than something that would be part of a real conversation, at least for me. I also wasn't as big a fan of the characterization of the Malfoys here, either - I felt like I couldn't tell if Draco really wanted to change, but it wasn't like he was just saying it, because he never actually said it aloud. I also felt like you were stretching it a little bit when Narcissa was saying that she lied to Voldemort because it was the right thing to do. As much as I love her, I still feel like the only reason was to try to hold her family together, not that she had a real change of heart about her views on Voldemort. As I mentioned, I feel like it has a very omniscient feel to it, like the characters are actually saying things about themselves that would be more appropriate coming from a third person narrator (for example, Draco saying that he needs to realize what's important before it's too late). I'm not sure how else to describe what I'm getting at, so hopefully all of this sort of makes sense to you.
I think it's great that you're getting a beta, since I did notice some awkward phrasing along with the technical aspects I usually mention. For example, 'Why do you hate me because of my blood?' just sounds really complex to me, like it would have been better if Amelia had simply said, 'Why does my blood matter so much?' or something.
This probably sounds really critique-heavy, but I did like this chapter, and I do feel like the pieces of the plot are starting to fall together. It's clear that Draco has a mission now, and a deadline of sorts at that, and I'm sure it will help guide you as you write more and delve deeper into Draco's relationships with his family and Amelia. Plot-wise, this is nice, and I'm still enjoying reading it.
Very good! I hope this review is helpful!
Author's Response: Okay so I think I have finally figured out what I want to say in response to your lovely review. =)
I am happy to know that you liked the twist with the ring. I didn't think I could do justice to adding Astoria into the story so I turned to someone else that would be important in Draco's life. Yes! I got the right response for how the reader feels when Amelia tells Draco about his mom.
I am glad that you pointed those parts out to show me where I could improve on. I agree it does sound a little out there and I will be thinking about ways to change it around to make it seem less formal and omniscient. I do understand what you mean and some times it takes awhile to see it, but after taking some time and reading the chapter and your review again it makes perfect sense.
I am thankful for your honesty about this chapter. I am also really glad that you still enjoy reading it. Things do pick up and it will delve deeper. I am still navigating, for lack of a better word, as to how I write. I didn't feel that it was critique-heavy at all.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! =)