Hi Marina! Figured I'd stop by your page and read and review something! :)
First off, you know I'm a huge fan -waves pompoms- I really enjoyed the angst of this piece (of course). I'm a sucker for a good, heartbreaking story. Your use of repetition of thud-thud is a fantastic; it really solidified the mood of the story. I particularly enjoyed your first sentence. With a story like this, it's all about mood, and I believe you captured it perfectly with that first line. I also like the contrast of your sentences - some are simple and to the point, others are complex and give substance to the larger story.
"Emotions are not as easy to fling as a living, beating, breaking heart." - You really capture the intent and emotion of this sentence through your usage of commas. The commas, of course, break up the adjectives, outlining the vulnerability of one's heart, one's feelings. (I just finished with two grammar classes that teach us how to look at all things grammar like semantics, structure, etc). Also in this sentence, you utilize a comma to your advantage: "the stains will remain there, always." The comma separates 'always' and makes that word an integral part of the mood of the piece by isolating it.
It was a pleasure to read and review this, Marina. There's something about your writing that's like a piece of chocolate cake - it's delicious when you're eating it and then when you're finished, you feel a bit saddened that you cannot continue to enjoy it. That's the thing about one-shots, not enough chocolate cake to keep you happy! :P Overall, it was wonderful!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for stopping by, Shelby! It's always nice to get reviews from you because you've been reviewing me for years and you've read so many different stories of mine that I sort of think you get to see how my writing's changed more than a lot of people. :)
Definitely have to give credit to Rachel for that first comma point - I think I had one adjective in there originally but she suggested I change it to that, which I did. She's always right, of course :D Grammar and syntax and punctuation are SO important, I totally agree. One mistake or misuse can throw off a whole sentence and potentially the whole mood, so it's best to get it right. I'm glad you thought I got it right, in any case!
I do love chocolate cake, so I'm very happy you've used that analogy. There's more chocolate cake on the way though, so don't worry!
Thanks so much, Shelby!