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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, there. I tagged you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room and I wanted to do a second chapter because, at least to me, prologue's shouldn't really count as a full review. ;)

I thought it was a bit odd that you ended the first paragraph without a period and put the dialog in its own paragraph. It didn't look right and started me off on a difficult note.

Again, you seem to use a lot of commas in this chapter in places where you really need a full stop. Your sentences have a tendency to run together in such a way that it's hard to follow what you're saying in some places.

As far as the plot of the story goes, a lot of it felt rather awkward to me. Part of it just comes down to how you're delivered the story up to this point. Everything is relayed in a very matter-of-fact way, without a lot of emotional context to go along with it. I'd like to know not just what Molly is doing, but why. I'd like to know how the events unfolding around her affect her, and what motivates her decisions. I'm not getting much of that. It would also benefit from more dialog and interplay between the characters rather than just narrative.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I think you should really sit down and re-read this and try to work through the capitalization and grammar issues at a minimum. Beyond that, you have to think about how you're going to get the readers to make a connection with your characters and understand what they're all about.

Author's Response: hi
Thank you for the review, advice and CC.
It really does help and i know things have to be edited, i have exams coming up, so i have to find the time to ge around to it, but now i have a beta things should be edited quicker.
thank you again
-potterfan310


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