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Review:AndrinaBlack says:
This was a really good read. You got the emotions through really well and I just wanted to hug Dominique and save her from herself. I got happy/sad tears rising to my eyes when reading the end when she finally realised that Victoire loved her too. I was happy to see a little bit of a happy ending in it while it was so unhappy the rest of the time.

There were a couple of small typos; "of" instead of "if" and a exclamation point between two words instead of a space. But that was basically all I noticed of that kind. There was one thing though that sort of disturbed my reading of the story, and feel free to just ignore this comment if you like because I'm sure others feel otherwise, and it is a big part of this story. I'm talking about the brackets. I can sort of understand and like it in the title, because it's like the brackets were her invisibility cloak and the words were hiding there like Dominique is hiding. Otherwise I understand that they are there to sort of highlight the words and take them apart from the rest, and it's a sort of effect, but it kind of breaks up my reading and I was wondering a lot of the time "but why?". Some of the time you could just lose the brackets and the words would work in the same way and some of the time you could use another kind of effect, like at one time I noticed you had both italics and brackets to take some words apart. Italics would have been enough. And I liked how you did basically the same thing as you do with a lot of the brackets here: ..."until they ran out.


They ran out."

The empty lines work so much better for my reading. Like I said, I know that it's a sort of special effect in your story, but in the end I feel like that's the only thing it becomes and doesn't really add to the reading and the words but more take aways from it for me.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but it's really just one thing and one part of the story even though it might look like I was criticising a lot because it became such a long explanation. And anyway, it might be just me and the brackets might work for others. :) Otherwise I really liked your story. Apart from what I said before, I feel like the story had a good flow with good word choises and good grammar and spelling. Like I said before, you managed to get the strong emotions through and I was really feeling sorry for Dominique and sort of uncomfortable with the situation she was in. I really hated Richard. What a horrible character you created in him! I a good way obviously, because he is supposed to be horrible. I hope his other girlfriend was a bit more confident and that Dominique got over him.

About your author's note at the end. I think you managed with what you said there, making it a story of pain and also of love. Especially in the end we see that Dominique has that loving safety net behind her even though she didn't realise it before. I also think you managed to include the challenges you participated in really well into this story. Good job with this! I'm glad I read it. :)

Author's Response: Andrina! Wow, thanks for such a mind-bogglingly amazing review 8D. It was a really emotional thing to write, because of various past experiences etc, but I enjoyed it at the same time.

Ah yes, I noticed those typos when reading through it a few times; I'll remember to edit them anytime soon :P

I can completely see what you mean about the (parentheses) use. At first, I only meant to use them for the italicised parts- not the whole thing. And I think, after what you've said, I might go back to the original plan. I notice it jarring the flow now- they're too randomly placed in the third person parts. I used them to create a particular effect; sharing these little secret snippets with the reader as if, yes, Dominique was under her invisibility cloak. But that was just for the first person- I cans ee how it doesn't work so well in third person and I think I'll change it to leaving lines instead. Thanks so much for pointing this out :)

Richard...I have no idea how such a horrid person sprang to being inside my head. Well, actually I do but anyway...

Oh, silly Dom. She reallyw as oblivious- I was basing it on the fact that sometimes, people think they're worse off than they are. Or even /like/ pitying themselves, feeling the pain.

But I'm so glad you read this! Thanks a billion :)
-LWG


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