Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! Here with your requested review :)

So, first off I should tell you I don't read all that much second person POV. So as far as that goes I will do my best to help you out, but if I point out something wrong just ignore me ;)

The introduction was very enticing. It pushed the reader right into the action (or, in this case lack-there-of) for Louis in a very entertaining way. I really liked how, even though everyone seems to believe different, right off the bat he wouldn't blame anyone but himself. It says a lot of good things about his character right away.

I really enjoyed through this whole chapter that you didn't tell me things, you showed me. Instead of saying "Victorie was a worrier; Dominique was nice about it" you showed that Dominique came to visit, and that Victorie had panicked her way through what had happened. It develops the characters around Louis subtly, but very well.

You asked about Louis' characterization in your request. Being that this is the prologue and it's an introduction, I think you did a good job introducing him subtly enough that it didn't interfere with introducing the story (again, the showing vs telling which I love) I'd love to see more of him in future chapters-- It's hard to put an idea on him now, but it's mostly because the prologue did what it was supposed to do-- it drew me in to the story leaving me wanting to read more. I think the best part characterization wise was the few paragraphs of him 'thinking it over' after Dominique left and before Damien showed up with the letter. They were so well constructed in his thoughts that that's what gave him the most in-between the lines. (I hope that makes sense at all..)

Leading me into your other concern with plot interest, honestly, you have nothing to worry about. You gave just enough sense of mystery for me to be looking for the next chapter button.

One thing I can think is I felt you were a bit heavy with the commas towards the second half. There were a few moments where if you gave them a quick read-aloud, I think some of the pauses were unnecessary. The only reason I'm pointing this out is because it's something I do way too much too :p By no means did it take away from the story at all, just me being nit-picky for if you go back and edit.

Honestly though, that's the only thing I could find. Your grammar is pristine, and it's a fantastic introduction into the story. Please (please!) feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted! :)

Author's Response: Honestly, don't worry about it - I'd never read anything in second person before I wrote this, I just mention it just in case, you know? I know there are people out there who have... somewhere, lol.

Thanks! :D I wasn't sure if a bit more should happen in it, but I'm glad you don't think so because, quite honestly, I have no idea what more I'd put in it O.o

I've never really thought about the idea of showing vs telling before... huh, I used to think it was just a case of describing everything :D hence my tendency to describe EVERYTHING, lol. Thanks!

Yeah, it was difficult to write since obviously this is set pretty much after everything's happened, really, and so things have changed - he's changed as well, which was hard to do. Haha, it made sense, don't worry! Thanks! I know that I usually think about things most when I'm doing something boring or relatively trivial, you know, so I kinda transferred that over to him. I'm glad it worked, though, and you liked it!

Ooh, mystery! Really? I'm so bad at writing mystery, lol. I never know how much I'm giving away :D Thanks so much!

Hm... probably. I used to put commas everywhere, so it's likely. I'll look over it again, although I think this has probably been to my beta and back by now, so she almost certainly picked up on most of these things (coz she's amazing!).

Thank you so so much! I'm so glad you liked it! :D

Aph xx

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 955
Submit Report: