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Review:CloakAuror9 says:
Hey there! I am here for your request, I am so sorry for taking so long. School is (and will be) in the way of my online life, but I am here now...better late than never, right?

Okay so I thought the chapter was really good! You have a great start and a great opening to a story. I think Molly's characterisations is well done. You have put in a lot of details at the very start, which I would consider as a good thing since it gets the reader into a very straight-forward thinking.

I'll give you some CC, is that okay? Please, please don't hate me at the end of this.

Okay, so there are a few things you could improve on. The first I noticed was that you didn't have proper capitalisations. You usually you them at the start of each sentence, proper nouns and some other areas.

The next problem you can tackle would be over-using commas. I know its hard to not over-use them, you just want to keep inserting them between the words, but you must prevent that from happening. You can always use the 'full stop' in most cases.

The third would be, you're jumping from one thing to another without any transitions. Like this one: "I have one younger sister Lucy and I am nothing like my parents except for my looks." You see how you jumped from Lucy to Molly being nothing like her parents, without much explanation?

The last one would be try to lessen your words by putting them into simpler phrases. I'm not sure if you were trying to catch the 500-word-count, but remember 'quality over quantity'. Example: I'm in my last year of Hogwarts, and I'm in ravenclaw house. instead of this ine you could've put I'm a 7th year Ravenclaw student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy or something along the lines of those.

These are just things I pointed out so you can focus on them in the future, but you don't have to :p I'm not forcing you or anything, they were just my suggestion and opinions.

I do hope that you at least consider them, because I seriously think that the story has a great potential. And I must admit, I seem to have a liking for Molly and I feel that she's a very good character.

Overall, you have a really good start and please do not be discouraged by my CC! If it hurt you in anyway, I am so sorry! You have written a really good story and I would love to read more!

Ta,
CloakAuror9 xx
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: thank you for the review. :)
i know there are flaws like caps, and grammar (and over using comma's) i'm not too good at that stuff but i now have a beta so it should improve
School is busy at the moment as i have exams coming up but when i get the chance they will be edited
thank you for the advice i will take it in consideration and make a few changes and the review :D
-potterfan310


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