Hi there, this is SapphireatDawn from the forums with your review. Iím so sorry itís so shockingly late.
I love anything Lily and James, and while this was perhaps a tad too fluffy for me, I still liked how bittersweet the ending was. I want to cry out to them just to run! Run away now! However, I do have to tell you that Lils was seventies posh slang for breasts, so I canít see Lily being too happy at being called that. But that is something I would never in a million years expect you to know.
I also thought that at times, your dialogue was a little expositionary and therefore rather forced an unnatural. For example when you mention the parents. While I actually really like the idea of a loveless marriage between Jamesí parents (a different way of explaining why he was so loved as a child), I didnít feel that it needed to be mentioned, the same with Lilyís friends. It felt like you were trying to give a bit of background, which I understand, especially in the case of the parents as Lily is clearly worrying about it, but doing so in dialogue I donít think worked very well. It would have been better, perhaps, to have told the story from the perspective of one of the characters, who can then think about their parents. It would feel a lot more natural.
But I thought that Lilyís concerns and worries were natural. I didnít really understand why you were referring to the war as Ďupcomingí because theyíre pretty much in the middle of it now. Several members of the Order of the Phoenix have died, and we hear a lot in the books about the murders, disappearances and fear that was around when the first war was on. The war that ended with the deaths of Lily and James. But back to my original point. I thought that the way Lily was worrying about raising a family was very well done, and I also liked Jamesí attempts to reassure her. I imagine either one or both of them would be feeling like this fairly often. Very well done.
On the characterisation side of things, I think you did a good job there as well. I think the idea of James still being rather bewildered at the fact heís a father is believable; they are only twenty one and having been such an un-serious person in school, I think at times he might, perhaps not struggle with the idea, but be shocked, perhaps, at the fact that heís a dad. One thing I would say, though, is at the beginning you say this,
Ď...or did you inherit your motherís brains?í
Throughout the series, itís actually James we hear about with the reams of talent and intelligence. McGonagall refers to him either as one of the brightest sheís ever taught, or one of the brightest in the year (canít remember which), so itís not just Lily with the brains. I just thought Iíd mention this as I come across it quite a lot in fics.
However, overall, I thought this was a sweet yet very sad little one-shot. Nice job.
Author's Response: Hi!
Is it really? Oh god, I shall fix that and you're right - I had no idea :P Yeah, dialogue isn't my strong point but I'm working on it, thanks :)
Good point about the war - I may change that one day if I ever remember (I have a terrible memory)
Thank you for such a detailed and amazing review! I'll take everything you said into consideration when I edit it :D