Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
Firstly, I must say, that after the excitement and the awesomeness of the previous chapter, I'd expected something more in this chapter too. I just thought that I'd let you know that when there wasn't much progress, I was a bit disappointed. But not to worry, I'm sure there will be much more up ahead. =D
Anyway, over to characterisation: I think that I really liked Molly's character in this one. You took her another step forwards and showed us quite a few new sides to her. I think that the fact that she's good at chess suits her personality pretty well. For some reason, it made me really happy to know that she was involved in other activities apart from reading and working. =P
Also, I found it very interesting to see you add her thoughts on her parents here. It does give new perspective to her thoughts and I, for one, enjoyed reading about her parents. From her point of view, they sounded like any other normal parents would and that made me happy for her. I suppose it's a very good thing that she has normal life despite her personality.
One more thing, I know that it's essential for the story and that it's how Molly's characterised, but could you somehow, cut down on her thoughts and the details of it all? It's not annoying or anything but it gets boring in chapters like these. I would suggest that when you know that you'll be writing a chapter with little or no progress in it, then make sure that you decrease the thoughts and the detail a bit. I can't believe I'm saying this as I stress on detail and description in every other review; but sometimes, for the sake of your story and to keep your readers from losing interest and skipping paragraphs, you need to cut down on the huge amounts of description. Now, mind you, do NOT cut down too much that it's noticeable. Just so that it prevents me from wanting to skip ahead to parts with more action. =P This is just general advice though; you don't have to follow it. =)
Ah, Cassius. I suppose he's interesting? I don't think I could tell. You know that's another thing about your story. I hadn't been to pinpoint it before but I've noticed this just now that apart from Molly, Dom and Adonis, your other characters seem to be of very less importance even when they're introduced. Perhaps it's because of the lack of emotion on Molly's part but I can't seem to be able to remember them as anything other than random OCs. I suppose, as time goes by, I'll recognize there importance eventually. =)
Andd, I really like Dominique. You've created her and Molly's relationship very well. It's almost like Dom's her sister and not Lucy. Ah, Lucy. Ugh. That's the only way I can describe her judging from Molly's description. You know, it's sort of fitting as they're sisters but totally opposite. You don't get to see that everyday.
Her Adonis! I really liked that scene! I think it was pretty amusing and I had a lot of fun when Molly was embarrassed. It's just her luck. =P -"Instead of impressing him with your intelligence and charming him with your wit, you've appeared like a bumbling, blushing fool who fails to answer the simplest of riddles." - Something that made laugh SO hard that I had to clutch my stomach after that. Really, very hilarious. =P Okay, maybe it's not that funny, but still. At the moment when I read, it was. =P
Eh, plot. Um, Aph, I'm not sure how the plot actually progressed. I suppose you could say that it progressed in manner of characters but other than that, I'm sorry, but I didn't notice anything. =P I think you would know the progress better than me anyway. =)
Pace! As I've already told you, there were a few places where I felt like skipping ahead. But that wasn't because of bad writing or anything. The description and the attention to detail is quite amazing and will always will be for me, so you don't need to worry about that. The paragraphs seemed slower than usual, so I guess you're right in thinking that this chapter moved slower than usual. I don't that that's a very major problem, as long as the next one is amazing like the previous. =P I'm hoping it is, as she was on her way to read, after all. =P
Anything else? Nah, I think I'm done. Update soon, I'm loving the story and the second person! =) Until next time, good luck and Happy Writing!
P.S. I don't know if you remember and I don't remember if I told you, but the one-shot I'd written after being inspired from this story, got validated ages ago. So, if you'd like to check it out, it'll be great =D
Author's Response: Hey there!
Yeah, I thought that might happen... I mean, the last chapter was a fairly big one in terms of stuff happening... thank you for letting me know! There will be stuff coming up, I promise, just... well... I can't really remember when, lol.
Thanks! :D I wondered at first if it might be a bit Sue-like to make her good at chess as well, but it just fitted, you know? Also, I've always imagined Ron and Percy to be quite close as brothers, given they were kind of the ones who got picked on most, so it was a way to make Molly close to Ron as well. And a chance for someone other than George to be someone's favourite uncle :D
I really wanted her family to be normal. I mean, I really don't think Percy and Audrey would be bad parents at all, so I didn't want to go down the 'oh, I hate my parents, woe is me' route. Percy and Audrey will come more into it later, but I'm glad you like them so far! :)
Ooh, right, okay! Thanks for mentioning that! I know I often put huuuge amounts of description into things because I never feel they're described enough, so I'm so glad you mentioned that. I thik someone else has mentioned that as well before, so I'll definitely bear it in mind. I'll try and cut it down - talk to my beta about that, as well. Thanks!
Yeah, with the OCs there is a lack of emotion on Molly's part. She doesn't really consider them friends, as such, hence the sense of removal. Some of them will become much bigger parts of the story (as planned so far - this is subject to change :P) and others will still be minor. I suppose it's probably also coz I tried not to introduce them all in one go, it was more of a bit-by-bit thing, so it might not have worked quite so well... hm... I'll think about that. Thanks for mentioning it!
I'm glad you like Dominique - she's pretty awesome. Like Molly, she's a bit of an outsider (she's a Slytherin Weasley, after all) but she's so different to Molly as well. I really enjoy writing her.
Yes yes yes! Thank you so much! I'm so happy you got that! Molly and Lucy are completely different! I based a lot about them on a pair of twins I know (non-identical in their case) so I'm glad it's transferred well. Lucy's not so bad, though - at least, she isn't in my head :P
Haha, thanks! I wanted to include something like that because everyone's had one of those moments. You want to impress someone so badly, you mess it up completely or you're just distracted enough that by coincidence you end up messing up. Besides, it would have got boring if Molly got the riddle every time :P
Plot? What plot? Yeah, that might have been fault. I'm writing chapter 12 at the moment, so I'm at a completely different point in the story. After I read this review, I went back to check the chapter - and yeah, not much happens. Quite honestly, I'm not sure which chapter I was thinking of when I wrote the request O.o It's almost a weird amalgamation of chapters... sorry about that! :D There was some character progression though... I think...
Thanks for letting me know about that - there's so many details in this it's difficult for me to tell what the pace is, particularly because I know what will happen later on :P Oh gosh, that's a lot for me to try and live up to! Seriously - the pressure! :D
I hope you like the next chapter as much as the previous one ;)
Thank you so so much for this review - it was incredibly helpful and, gah, I'm just so glad you picked up on so many of the things I was trying to do. Thank you! :D