|Review:||HPPC Staff says:|
Hello SiriusLover177! On behalf of the HPPC Staff, I want to say thank you for entering our Challenge! And what a great entry you've given us!
First off, I want to say that I really like the premise of the story: Remus' first day back at Hogwarts since he lost all of his best friends! I've spent a lot of time with Remus as a character, because he's one of my favorites, and somehow I'd never really thought about how difficult this day must have been for him! Hogwarts was where he spent some of the greatest years of his life with his best friends, and now that he's back, he's completely without them for the most terrible reasons! All those memories flooding back, bringing both joy and despair... it's so painful and such a beautiful moment to write about!
I love the moment when he wants to scream, but just refuses to allow himself to do it, and so he covers his mouth with his hands. It's very powerful and realistic, acting in a physical way to control an emotional response. There's just so much heartbreak and loss behind that moment, it's very touching.
I really like the memory walk-through that you do, where we're taken back to Remus' school years as he walks to the Room of Requirement. It's just very lovely and touching, but with that sadness still there. And we see the quote come into play as well! I can't believe you took such a funny quote and worked it into such a deep, dark story! I'm honestly very impressed that you saw this story from that quote! It's very cool and worked really well.
"I want to go back to a place where I was happy." - I really loved this idea of all those pictures coming into play and it's so sad and wonderful at the same time! I kind of wish you had expanded on the details here just a bit! In my head I can imagine this big room covered wall to wall with happy memories of him and his best friends and his life from back when things were good, and I sort of just wish you'd taken us through a few more pictures, maybe Remus laughing at a forgotten moment, his eyes a little tearful perhaps... It was just such a wonderful set up that you could have taken more advantage of, but still very lovely all the same. :-)
The Mirror was a really nice touch and a perfect way to end the story. Of course Remus would see his best friends in the mirror originally, but deciding to change what he sees into a relationship where he and Harry become close? Perfect. I thought that was really lovely and touching and a beautiful step forward for Remus.
So one thing I've noticed pretty consistently throughout this story that I'd like to point out is that you tend to flip back and forth between past and present tense. For example, in your opening sentence you say "Sighing, I left my room in defeat; there is no way Iíll be sleeping tonight." - The first half of the sentence is in past tense: 'I left my room" while the second half is present: 'there is no way'. All in past tense would look like this: "Sighing, I left my room in defeat; there was no way I'd be sleeping tonight." All in present tense would look like this: "Sighing, I leave my room in defeat; there is no way I'll be sleeping tonight." Do you see what I mean? I had to reread your first sentence a few times before I understood what the problem was, because I knew it felt off, and that opening line is SO important! That's the first thing a reader is going to see, so it's really important that it's strong and consistent and correctly written! The whole story goes through this changing tense, too. For example: "Leaning against the cold Hogwarts wall, I close my eyes" - Present - but then we get: "I could feel my body trembling, trying to fight the longing pain in my heart." - Past. Does that make sense? Just something to be conscious of! Most of the story is in present tense, and I prefer it that way for this style of writing, so maybe comb through for a few of those switches? The example above would be changed to "I can feel my body trembling, trying to fight the longing pain in my heart." - Or just "I feel my body trembling..." I hope this is helpful and makes sense!
There are a few other grammatical mistakes here and there and a few moments where I think you could have chosen stronger wording to pack a more powerful punch, but overall it was a really nice read and I'm so happy you entered our Challenge with this story! Thank you!
Author's Response: Your very welcome for entering the challenge, and thank you so much(:
Yeah, before I wrote this story I never thought about it myself. I never imagined the pain, and sorrow he would have felt coming back to his, and his friends home sense they turned eleven. And I agree, it is a very beautiful moment to write about.
Thank you, I wanted to add that part, with him refusing to scream to show his emotion, and him trying so very hard to control his emotions. I am glad you thought it was realistic.
Yes, it was very difficult to find a place to put the quote, but I really liked where I put it. I liked trying to put such a funny, out of place quote, and trying to place it in such a sad story.
And I agree, I think I will go back and re-do that, and add more memories, I totally could have used that more into my favor, and really brought a more emotional, and maybe happy moment. I do believe I will go back and try and make it a better moment, because if I try hard it could really be a story changer, maybe bring out some tears, or laughs?
Thanks for that advice(:
Yeah, I really wanted Remus to grow from this experience, and I thought showing that though the mirror was a good idea, because it shows your hearts desire, and there really is no other way to really understand someone changed besides that, because the mirror cannot lie.
Thank you for telling me this. I have such a hard time with tenses, it will be my death one of these days! I will go back and change those. I really appreciate you telling me about those(:
Thank you so much for your amazing, and helpful review.