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Review:watchoutfornargles says:
Okay, you want a good strong hook to pull readers in, and your first paragraph needs some work. This is what I recommend you changing it to: "The first thing that Seamus Finnigan heard when he stepped out of his office and into the cool winter air was the sound of the late night bustle and people yelling across the street at one another -saying that something was amiss or they had dropped something on their way out of the store." Also, make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the story. There are a lot more grammatical errors, but you said you were getting this beta'd so that's good. I think you have a good plot going, and you left at a good cliffhanger moment. You might want to let us more into Seamus' life though: what has he been doing since Hogwarts? what is his life like? etc. But overall, great job :)

Author's Response: Hi! :)
Thank you so much for you lovely, and honest review. I never used to like CC cause I was a little younger than I am now, but now I enjoy it as you guys help me get to a better level or writing :)

I will definitely take your review into consideration and am revising this chapter as we speak.

Thank you so much for a lovely review :)

~Karni.


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