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Review:Livi_777 says:
Hi! Here for the review battle!
First off, what a first sentence! I'll use that in the future; tell the reader that the hero is going to die and they'll be straight in!!!
First nit picky thing:
'Sitting on his knees and leaning halfway across the table, he stretched with his spoon to dip it into the golden bowl that had somehow made its home right next to the happily slobbering two-year-old'
I think this sentence is too long. Maybe it would read better if the sentence went something like:
'Sitting on his knees and leaning halfway across the table, he stretched with his spoon to dip it into the golden bowl (which had somehow made its home right next to the happily slobbering two-year-old).'
The brackets just break it up a bit more without changing the meaning, I think.
This is the other little thing that I spotted:
“Bill!” His mother’s voice crashed through the silence. He looked up to see his mother slowly advancing on him, hindered only a little by her pregnant belly, anger clear in her brown eyes.'
I don't think Diagon Alley is ever silent, and you've already said that Florean and Molly are talking not far away. Also, you repeat 'his mother' twice, so maybe it should say something along the lines of:
'“Bill!” His mother’s voice crashed through the air. He looked up to see Mrs Weasley slowly advancing on him, hindered only a little by her pregnant belly, anger clear in her brown eyes.'
That's just my opinion of course!
Other than those little things, I love this story, the quality of the writing in general is really really good and your characters are so vivid and interesting and believeable, and I cannot wait to see where your are going to take this. It's wonderful because there aren't very many stories about the Weasley family before Ron and Ginny came along and especially ones that focus on Bill. I also can't wait to read more about Charlie, because I feel he's a little underloved because of his lack of romantic inclinations. Well done! A great start!

Author's Response: Ok, I must admit that I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote this and I have a lot more typos than I normally do which you didn't even mention! I'll take a look at what you pointed out above but just so you know on silence point, the crashing of the bowl created that silence. Like you know in the middle of a cafeteria and some kid drops his tray? Everyone's attention is riveted to him.

I definitely plan on including all the rest of the family and possibly writing their own stories as well!

Thanks for this review!

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