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Review:Kwan says:
Bald Al and tattooed Scorpius. Sounds like an album cover!

I'll wager an ordinary guess and say his tattoo is a scorpion. James, Scorpius, and Al were all very funny, interchanging humorous lines that didn't seem forced or contrived at all. Scorpius, in particular, shines as he balances traditional Pureblood thinking with less malicious jokes than I imagine Draco would have delivered. James is a bit over the top for me (how can anyone possibly be so conceited), but it sort of works and I can overlook a little bit of the craziness if he's just hamming it up.

Lorcan is also a funny and weird character and a good way to introduce different characters and weave in some exposition without just stating it in paragraphs. You have a very deceptive way of informing the readers what happened without bashing us over the head and I applaud the discretion. Towards the end of the chapter where there's more dialogue, the formatting is tough to read and might be something you want to take a look at for a re-edit. Merlin knows I run into the same problems though. Something about the site's editor just doesn't like me.

The only quibble I had was James' and everyone else's avoidance of profanity. Here you have three guys in their 20's, smashed with tattoos, bald heads, and a out of wedlock baby and all they can is fudge and shiz? I know you might have had to do it for rating purposes, but it really throws off their character and undersells their wild sides. Maybe once or twice, it would have been okay, but it becomes distracting when I'm trying to believe they're these party boys.

Other than that, an interesting start on what could have been a very usual trope, but luckily, you pull it off very well!

Author's Response: Hey, aw thankyou for reviewing. I see what you mean about the language but by using words like 'fudge' and so on I was really trying to enhance how childish James still is despite the fact he goes out and drinks and so on - but it's a good point you make, I'll look at decreasing the number of times he uses words like that. And ah yes, I was in such a hurry to get it into the queue after I'd read it that I wasn't really focusing on getting all of the mistakes so i'll definitely look at getting them edited as well.
Thankyou so much for the lovely review!!!

JessiesGirl


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