Ok, as promised, first comes what I think of your plot line:
I like the story, I really caught myself 'awing' (so did my roommate as I read it out loud) and thinking of how incredibly adorable the whole raining scene was. It was just absolutely perfect! Though it was also absolutely cliché. Everything from the rain and spinning, to the waist grabbing and falling to the ground and kissing. Though, so many things have happened romantically to people and stories in our lives it is hard to want to imagine anything else but this perfect scenario, so I do see why this adorable, I wish this girl were me, scene was written.
I do have a question about their ages though, because with the twirling, spinning, and chasing around, I would think they were very young in age (15/16) but by the way it sounds later (with him exiting her house) I get the feeling they are quite a bit older? Maybe around 23/25? Other than that, I really feel for Dom and Teddy! They would have made such an adorable pair in my eyes the way you wrote this story!
My only last critique about it are two things that happened that were extremely awkward to me. One is when he 'crashed' his lips onto hers. With the way the scene is played out, I really think the kiss would be much more gentle and passionate, as you later described it a few sentences later. The second is how his palm covered her mouth. I now see them in a puddle of mud, in the rain, with him trying to suffocate her. Maybe a finger on her lips would be a lot less aggressive and more loving! That was all I had a real problem with out of the entire story! :) Good job!
I really liked Dom, considering she is really a free-reign character who we know nothing about besides who raised her and who her sister and brother are. I loved how you portrayed her and how sweet, carefree, and innocent she was. I don't think I like the characterization of Teddy or Victiore too much, though. Victiore was raised by, yes Fleur, but also Bill. If Fleur can fall for Bill, I can't help but think she would have loved his life style as well, so I really see Victoire being a lot more humble in the matter of things Teddy does for her, but maybe being a little stuck up sometimes when it comes to other men. Since she already has Teddy, I don't think she would be quite as moody, but that's just my opinion.
Teddy on the other hand, we know was raised by his grandmother, Andromeda, with the male influence of Harry in his life. I can see him having a loving affair with Dom in the first place, because you did a wonderful job portraying that, but the way you described Victoire, I just don't see how he would ever fall in love with her in the first place. Especially after the spiel he gave to Dom about how perfect she was and how he wouldn't change her, but that he loves Vic more. Adorable that a man loves a woman for her flaws? Yes. Though I don't see Teddy being that passive about it because he was raised by a very strong, independent woman. Though there were extremely wonderful things about him that really made him seem almost in character. My one wish, however, would have been to see how in love he was with her as they were in the rain. While she looks up at him right before he kisses her, his hair changes color to something that recognizes as the color he wears when he is truly happy. That would have been nice (and added extra characterization and specialness to the memory) for me. :) Still beautifully written though.
Spelling and grammar:
I don't recall seeing any spelling mistakes, but there were a few grammatical ones. One that was constant and really captured my 'irk' button, was the lack of commas before addressing someone's name. “You are looking good Dom,” is not correct (at least I highly doubt it is, but I have been known to be wrong a time or two ;) lol). “You are looking good, Dom,” is the correct use of punctuation. I also wasn't a big one on the “I've to choose.” I know it is the same as “I have to choose,” but it seemed a lot harsher to read for me. It sort of broke the really good flow of the story you had going on. Other than that, there were a few awkward phrases. I don't remember them all, but the one that really came out was, “What's wrong suddenly?” It just seemed sort of awkward for him to ask her like that. I think without the word 'suddenly', it would have done well. I don't know if by suddenly he meant for the past few days, in the last few minutes, but if you want to expand, I think it would be a lot easier to read if it were like, “What's wrong? You haven't been yourself today/recently.” That is, of course, just my opinion. :) Otherwise, everything else was very good, and the story had an incredibly nice flow to it! :)
General liking of the story:
I really like the idea you came up with. I like Dom as a character a little more, and I really want to read some more Teddy fics just to see if anyone else has come up with interesting situations for him. The memory was a wonderful touch, and I got the feeling before you said it was 7 months after that it was a long time between then and now. I think you did a wonderful job! I will give it a 7/10! :)
Author's Response: Hey! First off, thanks for such a detailed and sweet review :)
Aw you read out my story to your roommate? That's so flattering :) I am glad you like the story, and you found the rain, the kissing, and entire flashback cute, it seldom happens in reality, but this is fiction after all :D I totally wish that it happens with me too!! haha!
Well, about the ages, they're definitely not 15 or 16, they are just spinning and twirling because sometimes Adults seem to be childish too, and Dom is one person who is like that. I envision Dom to be around 20 or 21, and Teddy would be around 24 or 25 around :D I am happy to know you find Teddy & Dom an adorable pair!
Oh, I well I mentioned "crashing" of the lips, because it was in the heat of the moment, very sudden, and it started out as that, though later on changed into more passionate and gentle. Hope that's clear :) As for the palm thing, I think you're right. I'll change it to finger, thanks :)
Thanks for your comments on characterization :) I am glad you like Dom's character, that's how I always envisioned her to be. As for Victoire, I feel that we don't always project our behavior based on our parents, and everyone has their own personality. I just feel that Victoire has both Bill and Fleur in her, her beauty and charm, and her somewhat controlling nature, but she's moody as of her 'own accord', if you get what I mean. I say this because my own character traits are hardly an similar to my parents' even though they raised me. Hope that makes sense :)
As for Teddy, I think we don't have control over who we fall in love with, and I think love is very unexpected. I can say this, because I also fell in love with a guy who I never thought I could fall in love with, since he's so different from what I imagined I want in a guy. Yet I love him, and same way, Teddy loves Victoire, despite the way she is. After all, isn't love all about accepting the flaws? I understand that I showed Victoire as being quite flawed, but it was all from Dom's point of view, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't have any goodness about her - the part of her for which Teddy loves her.
The color change is a nice effect, and I think I'd do that. Thank you for the idea :)
Thanks for the pointers on grammar, I am not very good at it, still learning, so thanks for pointing them out, I'll re-read, and edit them soon enough xx
I am happy you like my idea, and that you think the memory was a nice touch, and that you felt it showed that 7 months had passed since that time. There are some really great Dom/Teddy/Victoire stories out there, you should definitely have a look at them! Thanks for the 7/10!