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Review:Sapphire_Skies says:
I’ve got mixed feelings with the beginning of this story. On the one hand I think that technically, it was very well written in a fairly engaging style. I’ve not been reading on this site long, but you’re definitely the best author I’ve read in terms of technical ability. I’m also very intrigued at the premises of the story and interested to see where it might lead, even though I don’t normally read AU.

However, I don’t quite believe that Dumbledore would have been... defeated quite so easily. I think he has great strength of character and an amazing resistance to such things because he knows what he would become if he had possession of the Hallows. That is not to say I don’t think he could ever be bribed in that way, I think he probably could, and I think that would have been the only way Voldemort could have bribed him, when it was done in the right way. My problem here is that Dumbledore’s resilience crumbles much sooner than I think believable. I am also not a fan of the idea that Voldemort knows about and has two of the Hallows. In the books it says that Voldemort would not have known about the Hallows, nobody would have read him such childhood stories and I doubt he would have thought to make the connection even if they did. If he did know about them and did seek them out, why did he not use them to become Master of Death himself? Becoming immortal is Voldemort’s main aim because of his fear of death, I’m sure he would take any opportunity he could to beat it, so why give two of the Hallows that might protect him from death away? This is not explained in this chapter, though perhaps it is in others. However, my first impression is that him having the Hallows is a convenient plot device to enable him to bribe Dumbledore out of the castle.

Perhaps these questions will be answered later in the chapter, and so this is actually part of why I would want to read on. On the technical side of things, something that jumps out at me is your avoidance of the word ‘said’. Writers often strive to come up with different words to use instead of ‘said’, but the truth is that ‘said’ is an invisible word. Readers don’t notice it after dialogue because they’re much more interested in what has come before and what is going to come after. Here, my focus was often taken away from the dialogue because you used a lot of different phrases that caught my attention for the wrong reason.

In terms of characterisation, other than the Dumbledore issue (which, really, I don’t see as a characterisation issue, more of a lack of detail issue), I thought you did well. Dumbledore I find really hard to get right mainly because he’s so wise and enigmatic and I will admit at never having attempted Voldemort. There were a few phrases that I thought wouldn’t have come out of Dumbledore’s mouth ("You think you can bribe me like some cheap whore?" being one), but other than that I think you managed to capture both of them very well.

With your dialogue in terms of structure in the story, sometimes I do think that it was a bit heavy, that there was a bit much of it, but this is personal opinion on style. I prefer a balance of both dialogue and narrative, and here you didn’t have so much narrative, but this is perhaps personal preference rather than a major style issue.

So, all in all, while I do think there are things you could have ironed out a little more in this chapter, I am genuinely intrigued as to where this story goes, and impressed with your technique and ability to craft a story.

Author's Response: My greatest weakness is shown again.

It's difficult to have so many ideas bouncing around your head and to have all these threads of narrative prepared for this giant web, but not having the needle to tie them together.

Riddle's knowledge and subsequent disregard of the Hallows is a key element to his character in this story but Dumbledore's quick acceptance and defeat is certainly not within character. It's almost easier to just say that Riddle became the Headmaster without showing it, but I feel it would be a big disservice to the former Headmaster to not have this scene incorporated.

Plot contrivances, my greatest weakness and my most often used tool.

You are correct again that I often avoid using the word 'said.' Somewhere along the line, an English teacher told me to avoid the word 'said' like the plague and I took the lesson to heart. There are chapters when I use said frequently and there are chapters such as this prologue that I come nowhere near them, but I understand the distraction.

I have difficulty balancing dialogue with narrative. Sometimes I think when I defer to descriptions, I'm simply hammering away at the reader that this is what it looks like and I try to use the more subtle force of dialogue. Yet, the dialogue doesn't always come out as natural and ends up being a bit heavy handed as you said. I don't know - I haven't found the perfect balance between the two yet.

But thank you very much for your review. It was incredibly insightful, not only from a character and plot perspective, but a different prospective on my stylistic choices.

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