Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:atellam says:
Hey there! Sorry about the wait, but i'm here with your review!

Quickly,
+ "You're not a slytherin."
- Capital 'S', yeah? You've got it everywhere else (except right at the end, when talking about the Common Room), just missing it here (and there) from what I can see :)

Anyway, onto the other stuff...

Pacing and flow - This was fine, as it was a fairly short chapter, composing of mainly one scene. I think the dialogue seemed slightly forced in one or two places, and if anything, they would be the only points that are affecting your pacing and flow, but other than those, this area is fine :)

Which brings me to my next point...

Dialogue - This got better as the chapter went on, but a few of the lines at the begging just didn't flow right for me. I think it's possibly because you were trying to make the sound drunk? Either way, it wasn't working right, but I only say that after reading it with a critical eye. Otherwise, you're fine :)

Description - I think this could be improved upon. It's not bad by any means, and I can see the characters in my head, but It can certainly be expanded on, and will really help improve your word count. Describing the atmosphere, such as, "the air was still in the stone corridors, making the atmosphere all the more tense and unnerving as Wilkes made his way towards the girl now backed up into a corner." (That's a bad example, but something like that just helps expand on the story and it's the little details that help bring the story to life.) Something to think about :)

Characterisation - Bess seems interesting, and I'm interested to see what you do with her (obviously this is a Reg/Bess fic, right? (because i'm sort of shipping them already...)) and your portrayal of Regulus is intriguing. So far your characterisation has been fine, although I think if you're looking to improve, try working on your minor characters (his Slytherin friends) because often they are overlooked in stories, but it's well fleshed out minor characters that really help make a story.

Anyway, I think I covered everything, and feel free to re-request. Hopefully my comments have been helpful, and sorry again about the wait.
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hi and thank you for the review! =) It was very kind of you to take time and read this through.

Thank you for noticing the missing capitals, pesky little buggers tried to hide from me.

I guess my dialogue challenges are at least partly due the fact that my characters are still quite unknown quantities. But hopefully it will get easier as story progresses.

Thank you for mentioning description (or lack there of), I'll definitely try to improve that from now on.

Yes, it's Reg/Bess fic, it's so cool that you're rooting for them. Next chapter actually is all about Slytherin boys, so we will learn lot more from each one of them. Stay tuned!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 784
Submit Report: