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Review:Beeezie says:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I'm sorry about the horrific delay - I was on holiday and didn't really have time to fill requests. But I'm back now. :)

I'll get to your concerns (I promise), but I do tend to obsess about mechanics, and I want to mention a few things on that note first.

On the whole, I thought that your prose was good; you did a good job of describing what was going on without making it seem repetitive or boring. That can be very difficult to do - there are a lot of writers, even good writers, that really struggle with it. You, however, really varied the lengths of your sentences and the way they were structured, which made this an easy and enjoyable read.

Your descriptions were also one of your strongest points. You tended to be a little more creative in them, which usually worked well. Hermione looking in the mirror in the second paragraph and the window shooting open and letting the smells and sounds in in the third paragraph are great examples of this.

You also tended to make great choices about where you described things - I loved the fact that you mentioned the fact that the staircase was spiral when you were talking about Ron whistling, so that when Hermione started to make her way down them you didn't have to say it again, because it was already part of the visual. I also really liked the way you talked about her "forcing" the toast into the toaster - it really showed her irritation and pulled me into her emotions. There were a lot of other points like this, but I'm not going to name them all - those were just the two that stood out to me the most.

I know that these sorts of things are really minor, but for me, it's those minor things that really make a story stand out and show the author's skill.

I'm thinking back to the other requests I've filled for you, and it seems to me like your prose keeps improving between requests. That's really terrific, and I'm glad that you're growing as a writer. :)

All of that said, there are still little things that I think you need to polish to take your prose from good to great.

One problem I noticed was the way you formatted dialogue. It wasn't a huge issue here, because there wasn't a lot of dialogue in the chapter, but I can foresee it being a problem in other chapters where there is more dialogue. You sometimes didn't end the dialogue with punctuation, which you should always do, and there was one point where you treated something (she lifted her head) as a dialogue tag when it wasn't. There's a great article about dialogue in Grammar Guidelines if you need the refresher. :)

Another issue I saw was with your word choice. There were a few points where it just didn't make sense. In the second paragraph, for example, you used the word "evident" - "evident" means something more along the lines of "obvious," and it's typically not used like this. Along the same lines, the word "criteria" in the fourth paragraph was a bit off, too - "criteria" basically refers to standards you can judge something by, so it seemed off to me. There weren't a lot of these, but there were enough that it caught my attention, so I'd be careful about it in the future.

I also felt like sometimes, you went a bit overboard with your descriptions. As I said above, it generally worked well, but there were some points where it didn't. For example, I felt like there was too much going on in the last sentence of the first paragraph, especially since the wording implied everything was happening all at once. Similarly, her taking dainty steps down the stairs in the sixth felt a little out of place. You talked about her eating her toast daintily later on in the chapter, and that did work, because it was in contrast to Ron. However, when she's going down the stairs - well, who goes down their stairs to get to the kitchen in a dainty way when they've just woken up?

Does that make sense?

Again, it was overall very good - there were just some little things that I think you could improve to really make it excellent.

Characterisation was a bit of a mixed bag for me. There were some things that I thought you did really well, and others that I thought you struggled on. I do want to mention Ron briefly, but since you asked about Hermione and the chapter is mainly about her, I'll spend more time on her.

I felt like Hermione's actions were in keeping with her character, but her description sometimes wasn't. The tattoo didn't really seem like the trio to me - I'm not convinced that any of them would fe el the need to remind themselves of the war, or that "survivor" would really be how they'd think of themselves, you know? The tiny shirt also didn't really seem to fit the Hermione we knew in the books to me; I'm not saying that she should be wearing baggy shirts, but surely there's a middle ground. I thought that if your depiction of her sexuality had been a little less subtle and a little more overt in certain places, it would have felt more consistent with her characterisation in the books.

Her interaction with Ron, on the other hand, did work, and I quite liked it. I felt like you moved beyond what we saw in the books in a way that reasonably extrapolated how Hermione would have grown since the end of the war, which is something that I think a lot of people don't do. She's often either too similar to really be realistic or wildly out of character, and you really showed just the right amount of development considering the circumstances. In five years, she'd have to have changed some, and especially given that her relationship is clearly a little strained (or at least that was the implication to me, with them not having much time off), her impatience with Ron and how badly she reacts to the incident made perfect sense to me.

(I've run into the character limit - I'll PM you the rest.)

Author's Response: It's fine about the wait for the review! I'm grateful you made time for it!

I shall go through the mechanics of this and will have a look through it and edit it!

I tried to vary my writing a lot because I tend to write in one style so it'a good to know my experimenting with this one worked a lot more than I thought it would do!

Some of the description I included was sort of necessary throughout this for later plot points (obviously not to do with the window but some of the further ones!) I'm glad you liked the description within this.

Thank you for pointing those out, I shall try and have more 'good' stand out description points in the future.

I'm glad you think my writing is improving! I;m hoping so as that is my main aim for writing on here!

My formatted dialogue at the moment is awful. This chapter hasn't actually been Beta'd yet so my dialogue tags will be fixed and I am getting a lot better at sorting them out! I'll remove the dialogue tags in a minute where I go and edit!

I knew about the certain words and I am half way through editing it! I look at some of the word choices and think 'omg I actually wrote that?' but then I go and change it.

I'll have a look at that! This was a chapter written very late at night so it hasn't gone through a beta (even though I thought I'd looked over it!)

The characterisation was something I really struggled with here because whilst I didn't want Hermione to lose her character I needed it to change drastically. In this story there will be flashbacks explaining little bits of this such as the tattoo. The 'survivor' does have a special reason and that will be shown when Hermione is thrown back in time to the marauders era! I also really do think she will have changed a lot over the time which is what I tried to show to some extent even though I did try to keep her having some characteristics.

I'm really glad you liked her interaction with Ron as I felt that was such an important part of the story. I really didn't want their relationship to become too samey or even very perfect. There need to be several imperfections within their relationship as her irritation with Ron needs to be shown for the rest of the story to work!

I'm glad you thought the characterisation of Ron. I love writing about him even when I'm writing him in a bit of a vile way. The not-proposal was just so funny! I took it from the way my best friends fiancee proposed to her the first time (he was in the dog house for a few weeks!). I shall have a look at going a little overboard on him though!

I'm glad you think it flows well but I'll look at making it smoother! I'm glad not immediately mentioning them didn't take anything away from the story.

I will certainly rerequest!


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