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Review:Kwan says:
I understand you now when you say that your dialogue is flat. It isn't so much the content of the dialogue, but who is speaking. For example, I could never see Narcissa saying, "Pinky swear" or "No..but seriously."

I understand in the context of the situation, they were acting like two sisters again, but Narcissa is a woman of elegance, not a teenage girl. Voldemort's dialogue is good, but Bellatrix vacillates between slavish Smeagol and a helpless woman in love, giving her a whiny character that is on the verge of unlikable. Sirius and Rudolph in the previous chapter sounded almost caveman-ish.

I think an exercise that would help you is speaking the dialogue aloud. When you write it down, speak it out loud to yourself as if you were actually having the conversation. That way you can determine if a character like Narcissa or Bellatrix would say something like that and if it flowed well.

You may sound crazy, but the dialogue in your story will improve tenfold.

Author's Response: As I said, this story needs a lot of work. And that's a good strategy. I'm surprised I hadn't though of that!

Thanks for reviewing!


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