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Review:sapphire_skies says:
I thought I’d combine the reviews for these two chapters, I hope you don’t mind. My first thought when I’m reading these is that I’m not really feeling the same emotion as the first. Or rather, the emotion hasn’t changed, it hasn’t deepened into anything else as we’ve progressed with the story, and there is a lot of potential there. It feels almost as if we’re just skimming the surface and that there’s a heck of a lot lurking underneath that hasn’t been put into words. We’re only really seeing the tip of the iceberg. Part of the problem I think is the fact that we don’t really delve into the mind of a narrator, someone who we can connect emotionally with. Ron appears to be the central character here, the one it’s all coming from, but we never really feel what he’s feeling in that much depth and I think the story would be a lot better if you had gone into more detail emotionally about what Ron is feeling.

In terms of characterisation, the characters aren’t bad. I don’t feel we get enough into their minds to say it was excellent or terrible, but from what I saw, except from one comment of Harry’s ("I think I'm more anxious about cleaning this store than hunting Horcruxes." I don’t think Harry would joke about anything that had happened on that journey so close to its conclusion), it felt right, it made sense. But still, nothing penetrated the surface; it was good, but there was always something just lacking that would have made it great.

However, you’re a very competent writer and in terms of the sentence structure, I thought these two chapters were much better than the first. I still think you did a very good job in conveying just how Fred’s death had affected George and his actions (smashing the place up because he thought he heard Fred) were believable, which made the storyline itself very real.

Author's Response: Looking back over this, I can completely agree with you. The emotion hasn't gotten much deeper. It truly wasn't my best idea to write this so soon after a personal tragedy in my own life, and I wish I had waited a bit more.

I see what you mean with the narration as well. If I ever get around to doing another rewrite of these last two chapters, believe me, I will change that. Thank you so much for pointing these things out, as I doubt I would've seen them myself.

Thank you so much,
Del<3

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