Hello! Sorry it’s taken so long to finally get a review to this posted! I had a lot of longer chapters requested before this and end of the quarter school work had me busy. But no worry, because here I am! :D
So. The start of this chapter? Excellent. I love how you had a story from early in Lucy’s life. It was a good set-up to the downward spiral in Lucy’s life, to it finally being built back up again in the end. It gave the story an opportunity to come full circle and give Lucy’s emotions a full ride, to feel her character at her lowest, at the point of no return almost, and then back again. It really was a great flow. I didn’t get too confused about the time jumps either. I did take a couple seconds to catch on, but I think that that’s a good thing-nothing that needs to be fixed.
The emotions behind this were also pretty well laid out. I almost wish we could get stronger feelings from Lucy about the whole thing, but on the other hand, you have her say she feels empty. And that she feels emptier with the self-harm. And I think that makes those emotions not being as strong okay. It makes the emotions really fit into the story, so I’d have to say no changes there.
I did find some typos and nitpicky things [I read like an editor very well :P]:
“You don’t want anyone to look too closely as your skin, most of the time.” –‘at’ instead of ‘as.’
“…she had no excuses to explain away how unbearable it was to life.” –I think you meant live instead of life.
“Lucy,” your mother says, and she is crying again bringing her hands up o her face and repeating your name, “Lucy, I saw. I saw, Lucy.” –‘her hands up TO her face.’ You’re missing the t.
“She wanted it t be a secret.” –missing the ‘o’ in ‘to’.
“Sometimes she wished she didn’t have to pretend so damn hard, but no one want to know how much she was hurting inside.” –I think you want ‘wanted’ instead of ‘want.’
“You stand up and walk around pace the length of the floor.” –You don’t need the ‘walk around’ in this sentence because pace works on it’s own.
I know there are a lot, but they’re all little things and they really didn’t take away from the story that much. I didn’t notice them on my first read through, only my second. But really, this was great. You have this situation very well written out and I don’t think it’s too far off base. And, before I go, I have to share my favorite line…
“…about how wars leave scars long after the fighting has finished.” –I adore this line. I really do, because of how true it is. And I’m actually writing a story based on that very concept and I just….I loved the line!
Great job! I really enjoyed reading!
Author's Response: Hi there! I'm responding to two of your reviews in a row which makes me feel like I'm having a conversation with you, when in actuality I'm not so this probably won't make any sense and I'm greatly sorry about this - won't happen again (possibly a lie).
The first bit was a bit of a whim (this story was written in about two sittings because I wanted the banner and, well, it's something I've wanted to write for a really long time), but I knew how things were going to end - I couldn't write this without hope at the end, I just couldn't. It wouldn't be truthful or fair, really. I'm still thinking about editing some of the bits in italics because, on reading it back, it felt all strangely condensed and weird to me. I don't know, I haven't decided what I'm going to do there.
And thanks again for picking out those typo/mistakes. It doesn't surprise me there, considering it was very much written in one or two sittings, read over immediately before I had time to distance myself and thus edit properly.
Thanks for such a lovely review! :)