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Review:charlottetrips says:
Hi! Review Tag!

I’m going to review this in my normal manner, which is a Running Review, meaning I comment as I’m reading along. As such, sometimes my first comment can go something like this (but don’t worry, I normally am nice and from what I recall of this story, you were writing it well):

Everything had been going crazy for the past few weeks in the Department of Inheritance with several cases of people who had only just been discovered to be dead in the aftermath of capturing the last remaining Death Eaters has been submitted. - this sentence is rather long and oddly put together.

Yeah, I can sympathize with Hermione here. I mean, who wants your boyfriend to just casually toss the comment in? That’s just such a let down. Oh wait, that’s what my husband did. :P But we’re doing wonderfully and he’s made up for it a hundred times over. So basically, I can get where Hermione is coming from. There are so many things that the guy should think of to make the moment perfect and you can never really take it back once you’ve done it wrong.

she just wanted him  [] have shown her a little more emotion, - I think we’re missing [to]

She remembered [to] the times when they’d first got together, - lol, this [to] shouldn’t be there :)

[]The amount of interviews and magazine deals they’d done[] they - in the first brackets add [With] and the second brackets add a comma [,] and the sentence will flow better.

LOL, on the angry memos :P One thing I am glad we don’t have in our muggle world.

Hermione’s conflict in exploring Bathilda’s belongings made me believe it. One point though, because you do well in dragging it out for the beginning part of the story, you should also drag it out right before Hermione opens the jewel box. The suspense is what draw the reader in, not necessarily the action, you know what I mean?

she found herself in an [unfamiliar place].  - Using “unfamiliar” and then her being able to say that it’s Dumbledore’s office doesn’t quite make sense. I get that she didn’t spend as much time there as Harry but perhaps we could make that flow differently?

You have a good eye for descriptions. Sometimes the way someone can put them together is too clinical but I don’t feel that here in how you’ve brought me along for the story. It’s also nice how you’ve gotten the story going in the second chapter now!


Author's Response: Hey :) Thank you for the review.

I won't comment on every thing because you already know how invaluable your feedback is whilst I am editing!

I agree with the whole idea of wanting the whole aspect of it to be perfect! I would never have wanted my fiancee to propose to me like that. Actually if he had I would have probably refused!

The angry memos are what I love in this chapter! I'd hate to have a load of those chasing me around the place!

I shall try and drag the action out a little bit more! I'm glad you liked it!

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