Hello! Char from the Forums here with your requested review! I’d like to call myself an expert on the “angst” genre, so you’ve come to the right reviewer!
If you read my topic, you’ll know that I do a “Running Review” so the first thing I see to comment on, I do. Hence, my first comment can sometimes be a cc, such as this:
lost[.I] can fix this - space between the period and “I”. Also, George’s thoughts should be somehow set apart, to make it easier on the reader, like italicized or single quotations. Same with the remembering of past comments to George such as that from Molly or from Fred. It helps with the flow. Trust me. I’m the reviewer. :P
As soon as anything changed to the shop, then it was something he and Fred didn’t do together. - what a brilliant description. George is going to hold onto any last living bits of Fred that he can, the shop being the most prominent one and for him to do something about the shop without his twin there when they both made that shop…gar, the feelings this evokes! (I would change “changed to” to “changed about”, I feel small but my perfectionist soul is crying out.)
The heavy [world] of the world’s expectations - do you mean [weight]?
saw the ‘closed’ sign precariously [close] to his face. - I would use a different word than “close” as you used it just ahead and then again just after to this. Perhaps “near”?
The way you spent so much time with George just contemplating the front of the shop was nicely done. I can really get that this is very hard for him, that he is ready, yet not, to move on, to start living again. I can get the feeling of apathy and moroseness about him, especially when you contrast it to the way the rest of his family is starting to move on. When he finally opened the door, it felt momentous because of the build up of the earlier moments.
Oh and George’s breakdown. I felt with him, your description just flowing and really making it a tangible sort of grief, one that I could experience sitting at my computer, reading these words.
One last little comment before I end this on a good note (because the story is good): so while I appreciate that Hannah was there for George, I feel like she is random. George also has a little of that incredulity that I do but somehow less and he’s totally accepting her hug. I don’t know, maybe this will be explained later, but maybe there could’ve been more stammering from Hannah of “Sorry, I just came in here to…” whatever and then it would seem a little more real.
How you’ve started this is very touching. George missing Fred is a soft spot for me because losing a sibling is bad enough, but losing a twin…I don’t know what that would feel like. You wanted to know if there was enough angst and emotion. You’ve definitely got angst and the sad heavy emotions of grief and guilt, but you’ve also got that touch of hope that is also just such a part of life. Your description is excellent and I loved your pacing in the beginning.
Author's Response: Yay, an expert! Hehe. Thanks for taking the time to look at my request! This piece hasn't been beta'd, hence all of the grammatical errors and such. Thank you for pointing them out to me though, I will be sure to amend them in a future rewrite!
Hannah is somewhat random. Haha! I can definitely see where you're coming from. I will address this in the next chapter to make this more plausible! However I thought that at this stage George wouldn't even care about who it was, he just needed some comfort. Bless him.
I'm so glad you thought the emotion was there in the piece. I was super worried because as you said, I can't imagine losing a twin either. I can only hope to convey the loss of such a loved one.
Thank for for your excellent review!