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Review:Beeezie says:
Here with your 2/3 reviews for the Unquiet Mind challenge!

There was a lot more dialogue in this chapter, so the issues with formatting and punctuation bothered me a lot more than they did in chapter 1. I really do think it would be worth checking out the article in "Grammar Guidelines" and going through to fix - it probably wouldn't take very long, and I think it would really help the flow.

Again, my major problem other than that are with some of the details, which didn't really seem to make sense. For one thing, in chapter 1 you say that Teddy and Victoire have been going out for two months, but here, Harry, Ginny, Bill, and Fleur have just found out. For two people who are essentially adults, that seemed odd to me. It's the summer, so they would have had to actively be keeping it a secret, which seems odd.

Another example is that Fleur has retained her thick accent - she moved to England when she was still a young adult. After twenty years, it realistically would have become much less strong. Moreover, I found it hard to believe that Victoire picked it up. It just doesn't tend to work like that - maybe mannerisms, or a few quirks, but if Victoire grew up in England, she wouldn't have a full-on French accent, you know?

Other than those little things, though, I thought that this was a good chapter. I think that you conveyed Teddy's problems and insecurities well - I thought that there was a bit too much loaded into the last part of the chapter and would have liked to see that expanded a bit, but other than that, you captured his emotional state well, and I definitely felt a lot of sympathy for him.

I think we've all kind of been in that situation - where we feel insecure and unsure of ourselves and like nothing we do is right. I particularly liked the touch where he was just avoiding all the letters - again, I think that's something that most people have done when they felt overwhelmed, and it was an excellent touch to the chapter. :)

Author's Response: I'm so sorry I haven't had the chance to respond to this until now- I told myself I would answer this ages ago but everytime I sat down I'd get distracted or things would suddenly get busy again. Anyway!

Thank you for pointing out those grammatical errors- I'm not entirely sure what planet I was on while writing this but I'll be sure to fix them up as soon as I possibly can.

I seem to have gotten some of the details mixed up a little as you've pointed on. I do plan on re-doing this chapter to iron all those problems out and I completely owe it to you for picking those out. Hopefully with a fresh mind I can fix everything up!

I understand what you mean with Teddy's problems and insecurities, I'll definitely do some work on that to spread them throughout the chapter a little more evenly.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the whole letter avoiding moment, I was a little unsure about it myself so it's really lovely to hear that you liked it!

Thank you for the amazing review and so sorry again for not getting to it until now!

x Ely


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