|Review:||sunday sunday says:|
I really really liked this. It was very well written, you have quite the extensive vocabulary and a beautiful way of putting things. The imagery was great - I loved the whole bit about the door, that was excellent, and using the darkness and the evening to kind of parallel what was going on within Remus was good too.
My only criticisms are: there were a couple of words missing here or there, but nothing major. And there were a couple of places, particularly at the beginning, that were a little repetitive or paragraphs that were a little redundant. I think specifically the first three paragraphs could use a little bit of editing.
Something that I found rather interesting were the Tonks's violent tendances. I mean, obviously they would've been very angry and upset with Remus and the entire affair, but I never thought of them as shrieking, hex casting people. It worked in this story though.
Other than that I could picture Dora and Remus so perfectly. Especially Remus, you had his every single movement, facial expression, feeling so clear in my mind. Very well done for keeping him in canon :)
Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: Cheers for your review! I really appreciate it! :)
I know what you mean about the repeatitive pieces in the first three or four paragraphs. That was deliberate on my part though, I wanted the reader to get a sense that Lupin was kinda stuck in some sort of limbo, where he does not yet have the courage to move forward, and as such is stuck where he is. I purposely repeated material to try and create that sense. Maybe I haven't done it right though? I'll take another look at things and see what I can do about it.
Then with Tonks's parents, yeah, I know what you mean about the violence there. That's been highlighted in another review. I'm working on a re-write of that part actually, trying to tone down the violence, making it obvious that Ted only punched Lupin in a single momentary loss of control. And Andromeda sends hexes in Lupin's direction, but I'm making it blantantly obvious that she is deliberately missing him and using the spells, not to hit or injure him, but to scare him off. I know what you mean, they seem more mellow in the books I think. But I figured that they would rave at Lupin. I mean, he has done a lot of damage here. First, he had Tonks is a very depressive state for nearly a year, refusing to be with her. Then he changes his mind, marries her and then leaves her again while she is pregnant. As her parents, Ted and Andromeda would have to sit there completely helpless and watch Tonks be miserable. That must have been awful. Sitting there and seeing your only child miserable and knowing there is nothing you can do. I figured, all that considered they have stored up a huge amount of animosity towards Lupin at this point, if you get me...
I am glad that you thought I got Lupin right though and that you thought, as a whole anyway, that everything was well written.
Thanks again for the review, and your constructive criticism. I'll definitely have another go over the first few paragraphs and see if I can change things a bit, and I'll go over it all again to see if I can spot those words that are missing (sorry, no matter how many times I read it, I just can't pick up all the typos, my brain knows what I want to say see, so I think that impacts on my ability to proof-read).
Thanks again for the review, much appreciated! :)