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Review:ShieldSnitch3 says:
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review? Let's get started, shall we?

Characterization - so far, I like your portrayal of Hugo. We don't know terribly much about him thus far, but I've gathered that he's quite down-on-his-luck and a rather sad sack, if you don't mind me saying (I'm assuming this was the point). I really liked how you included little aspects of Hugo's personality without drawing a huge amount of attention to them. Like when you mentioned how he was none to spend hours in the book shop - it makes it obvious that he loves reading and solitude, but you didn't outright say it (that's a good thing). I also liked Luna's character; she seemed to be very much in character even though we haven't heard much from her yet.

Flow - this is where it gets tricky. Some of the sentences were good, others were not so good. I think you could improve your flow by varying sentence structure a bit more. You seem to write fairly simple sentences, and some of them are a bit choppy. This example is from your first paragraph:

"It was a bright day. Full of sunshine and warmth. I opened the windows that morning, to birds in performance and the wind dancing. I basked in the sunlight, dreading the moment I had to break the trance. I sat on my bed and pulled out a book from the book shelf, then proceeded to sit on the window sill."

I think it could be improved by looking something more like this:

"It was a bright day, full of sunshine and warmth. I opened the windows to birds in performance and basked in the sunlight, dreading the moment I had to break the trance. Sighing, I pulled a book off the book shelf and proceeded to sit on the window sill, burying myself in the pages of the book."

Or something like that. :D See what I mean? Also, if you look at my version as compared to yours, I don't repeat the word "I" at the beginning of each sentence like you did in your last three. If you vary the sentence structure more, it will engage your reader and keep them focused on the story. Beginning with the same word (unless your doing it for rhetorical purposes through anaphora) bores the reader and makes them want to skip ahead.

Also, there were a few grammar mistakes in here. It wasn't a /huge/ amount, but it was enough that I noticed. At certain places you switched from past tense to present tense and you had some missing commas, misplaced commas, and other incorrectly used punctuation marks. Like here: "I had gotten Scorpius a book about plants; he was looking at 2 weeks prior." You don't need the semicolon here, you can just say: "I had gotten Scorpius a book about plants that he had been looking at two weeks prior." Grammar mistakes like that tend to pull the reader out of the story, taking away from the flow. Also, notice that I spelled out the word "two" - you should always spell out numbers, as actually seeing the number (ex. 2) pulls the reader out as well.

Plot - well, this is the introductory chapter, so usually there isn't a ton of plot to be found. I don't think this is something I can really comment on right now because I don't really see a plot, except for (possibly) the last few sentences. I'm guessing that this story is going to revolve around the brown haired girl, am I right? I hoping that you have a good plot lined up because if you do, then I think you've set it up quite nicely. Also, while I'm on the subject of your last sentence, you might want to consider fixing it up a bit. It was kind of confusing (this goes back to my comments on flow). Here's what you have: "Hiding from view, taking in the sounds and beauty of it all, never knowing it would one day, be taken away." Here's what I would do, so it's grammatically correct and flows a bit more: "The girl sat hidden from view and took in the sounds and beauty of it all, never knowing that one day it would all be taken away."

Anyway, I hope this review helped. If it did, feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter up. By the way, I noticed in your review request that you have two chapters up, but when I went to your story page there was only one chapter posted. You might want to look into that :D

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I really appreciate this, it was really help full!!! Thank you thank you! I will certainly take another look at this and revise it... Thanks :)

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