Hey there! Thought I give you a review after all the reviewing and help you've given me :D it's quite long and I've tried to make it detailed seeing as you have done the same for me.
Just finished reading the first chapter! And loved it! I couldn't find any spelling mistakes or punctuation errors - I think your writing is almost perfect in that area (Even though we both know I'm not the best at picking out mistakes but then again that might just be with my own work, lol) the only thing I could say about it is that you tend to use 'gaped' quite a bit. In the part with the dare you use it twice quite close together. That was just something I noticed.
- I think you have got the young Sirius character perfect, he's fun and jokey and I especially liked this part 'Sirius grinned, at them. "Go on, Lily, I thought you were game enough, but..." He shrugged carelessly. "Oh well, maybe I will have to kiss James for you."' And I also think your Lily character is well defined and I liked the way you showed her relationship with her sister at the beginning.
- The Chapter flowed well; I liked the way it began with the clock - more original and not a cliche beginning (even though it's the name of the chapter). The only part I felt maybe didn't flow as much as the rest was when you finished the part on the train and it then went to the boys sitting in the common room, but maybe this was because I wasn't expecting that to happen. I still liked the part with the boys in the common room and it was important to the story and I loved the last line 'she's just too god dammed perfect!' such a great line to end the chapter with!
- I think the only slightly negative thing or the part I'm unsure of is the whole 'vibe' Lily gets from Pettigrew. I think that maybe it could be seen as being a bit obvious unless this is then very important for your story later on. I think sometimes it's very hard to write marauder era fics because obviously we know the end of the characters stories. I know that I couldn't write one so I have respect for those that do. But anyway that was just something I was unsure of.
All in all, I really loved this chapter and I'm looking forward to reading the next one and see where you take it next :)
Hope this was helpful
Author's Response: THANK YOU! I love reviews :D
I am very glad you liked it, and I think I should go back and have a look for the 'gaped' thing, because repeating verbs too often annoyes me, so thanks for pointing that out.
Ah, Sirius, he is my favourite! So I am very glad you liked him because I worked a lot on getting his character right. Lily too, I love her, so thanks :)
I am very glad that you liked the start and then end, because I think it is important to have a good one of each, to hook them in and then to make them want to keep going. I will try and see what I can do about the flow in that bit. Oh, its like the cliche beginning of their love, you know the dare kiss thing. Thats what I meant in the title.
The Pettigrew thing, well I HATE him, so it kinda rubbed off onto Lily. But also, I figured that if someone can betray their friends to the Dark Lord AND change into a rat, they cant be such a nice person to be around. Hence, the vibe. He is disgusting in my opinion, but I should try and tone it down, I think.
Ah, I love Marauders, cause its so tragic and romantical! Haha, they are great.
Thank you alot, really! You just made my day :)