Hey, LeCygne here with your review.
First, my overall, personal appreciation. To be honest, it wouldn't be the kind of story I'd spontaneously write or read. But there may be a great deal of machism in that.
Anyway, it's still very pleasantly written, so it was not going to prevent me from reviewing.
In order to put that aside as fast as I can and go on with compliments, my main problem: you barely skim the surface of your text's potential by yourself.
This text would be the perfect introduction for something longer, but as a one-shot, it lacks deepness. The movement is alright, you went through god changes and perturbations. But you go too fast with them. Way too fast.
We have barely the time to seize any psychological insight you hint that you've changed them with your next move.
As a whole, it leaves us with the impression of a pleasant but unfinished business we have to fill with our own clichés. The frustration is even greater because it's obvious you designed your character deeply, and only gave us a glimpse.
Apart from that pacing issue -I recommend fewer moves or longer text- your writing it self is good. The way you introduce descriptions, in the flow of your text, is perfect for a one-shot. We picture the ambiance well, with descriptions and general rythm and tone, wich is excellent.
Sorry for being harsh, that's kind of my style, and I deserve no less...But again, I'm never harsh with hopeless writers, only with those who can improve greatly.
Author's Response: Hey!
First off, thanks a lot for reading & reviewing this, especially when it's not the kind of story you usually write/read. I'm happy you think it's pleasantly written, thanks :)
Hmm, I was afraid over the deepness, but I admit I'm a little careless person when it comes to details, yet I'll try and see what I can do to give my text more potential, and enhance its density.
I am a fast paced person, and I feel lingering too long becomes draggy, that's the way it is for me when I read, so it comes out in my writing. I'm afraid I can't do much about that :( Yet I appreciate your comments.
Well, it was supposed to be a one-shot, and I essentially think of one-shots as glimpses/scenes from a story, and not as an independent story on itself, so I write that way. I'm sorry for your frustration though, I'll see what I can do when I edit :)
I am glad to know you think my writing is good, and the descriptions & flow is good for a one-shot, and you find the ambiance well along with the tone & rhythm. That makes me feel that I haven't completely disappointed you with the story, so thank you :)
It's okay, I don't mind harsh, and I appreciate your critical comments. I always welcome constructive criticism. I'll keep your comments in mind when I do an edit of the story.
Thank you again for reading & reviewing :)