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Review:ScorpiusRose17 says:
I really liked how unique this was. It's a great One-shot from an original characters view point.

The descriptiveness that you use is amazing as always. I really liked the vivid picture you were able to paint for the reader and it really appealed to me. I was able to get into your characters point of view so much more because of it.

There were a couple of things that I found with the flow of your story that slowed me down. You may want to look into them.

"Upon seeing this Rory looked at the sweet and then at his mother then shrugged his shoulders and took the sweet."
I was kind of confused when I read this sentence, then I read it out loud and it seemed a little awkward. It might just be me, but I wanted to point it out to you so you could judge it for yourself.

This one:
"Just before hed come back to Hogwarts to attend hed had a sever argument with his father."
I believe you meant severe instead of sever? Again, I am only pointing these out so you can see what might have been confusing from a readers perspective.

Last one:
"his father Looked down at his son, and smiled giving Rorys shoulder a squeeze, as if to say that everything was in the past and forgotten about."
You started the sentence with "his" and it's uncapitalized.

These are all minor things, but they do have a tendency to desturb the peace of the flow in a story when they come up.

Overall, I really loved the originality of your One-shot and the descriptiveness of what they were feeling when that last battle was looming. You have a very wide range of insight to your characters which makes them well developed and well liked.

Keep up the great work! =)


Author's Response: Wow Thank you. This is exactly what I was wanting, someone to point out the minor details that can change the way a story is told and how well it makes sense.
So glad you liked it, going back and make the minor changes now.
Thanks again for the review and the awesome encouraging words.

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