Another good chapter, I liked the way you really focussed on Sarah, we learnt a lot more about her in this chapter. I really like Sarah, she's a great heroine, she's likable but not in an over the top way that makes her seem to perfect. She's got flaws, which makes her more realistic. If I was at Hogwarts, I'd want to be her friend :) The tension between her and James is really good, it's not too much but it's enough to make you think there's something else going on there...at least on James' behalf!
I'm not sure how I feel about Briscoe yet, I know we haven't met much of him but I get the feeling he's a little too perfect. I'm not sure if that's what I'm supposed to feel...maybe I just have a soft spot for James, even if he is a git :)
The spelling/grammar/punctuation thing still bothers me (sorry!) but I'm such a grammar Nazi so it probably bothers me much more than other people. Do you have a beta? I'd be happy to look at your chapters if you want.
There were also two inconsistensies that bugged me. Firstly, the ipod: electrical items don't work at Hogwarts, there's too much magic around and it messes it up. Hermione explains that in Order of the Phoenix and I doubt that would have changed since the Trio were at school. I guess you can ignore that but I think it's kind of important and she doesn't really need to have an ipod...you could always invent some sort of magical music device I suppose.
Secondly, you said that Dom and Avril were both beaters but then Sarah's trying out beaters? There's only two beaters on a Quidditch team...did you maybe mean that Avril was a keeper? Also, the idea of two female beaters seems a bit far fetched...being such a strength-based position I would think it leads itself more to male players.
Ok, I'll stop there, I really hope you don't mind my suggestions or my long-winded reviews. I really do like this story and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. I'm a bit sad that there's only two more chapters until I'm caught up though...I'm really enjoying having something to read! Keep writing! xx
Author's Response: Yeah, well, Briscoe's kind of just a secondary character. He's there just to add more drama to the whole James/Sarah stuff. He'll have a bigger role later on in the story.
So, the reason the grammar isn't the greatest, is because I usually write my chapters early in the morning, so there are bound to be some mistakes, and then when I go through them later on, before I post them, some of the mistakes I don't seem to catch. So, if you're serious about beta-ing this story, I would love for you do to that. Just send me a message, or something, and we can get it all settled out.
And, as for the inconsistencies; the i-pod was just something that I added, because in all honesty, I was really tired, and couldn't create something more 'magical' and wizard-like. I don't see the issue in it now, but in the future, I will think about going back and changing it to be something more fitting.
and as for the beater situation, again, it was way to early, so I must have accidentally added that. Avril is the beater, Dom is a chaser, and Briscoe is the keeper, like dear old dad. ;) I've gone through it though, and edited it, so it should be good in a couple of days.
You're reviews mean a lot to me; as a writer, I feel like I really need the constructive criticism that I get here. I don't have much of that in real life, so it's nice to see it here.