Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:PenguinsWillReignSupreme says:
Eep. Ty, I'm so sorry that this has taken me so many months to get to. Everything's been completely mental lately.

Now, for some reason, I thought I'd already read the first few chapters of this but it appears that I was mistaken :P Never mind. I shall just sit here and kick myself for not getting to it quicker!

So this chapter is a wonderful opening, I thought, and I really have very little to say on it. I think the dialogue especially is brilliant and it sounds very natural and normal which is something I've never said before. Usually dialogue - even the very best - reads a little strangely in my head but it just worked really well here.

For the most part, the description is absolutely fine. The third person works well and it made me feel closer to Victoire (who is a wonderful character, whilst I'm on the subject). The only part I got a bit confused over was at the beginning, with the long-eared owls from Brazil bit. It made it sound like Sara was still in Brazil so maybe you could clear that up a bit.

I just love how real this feels. I know that Victoire's condition will come into play at some point in the future and potentially disrupt that normality but for the moment, it just feels like an 18-year-old who has no idea what life is going to throw at her and who feels left behind and lost and a bit of a failure. I think everyone can relate to that.

In contrast to almost every other reviewer, I think, I wasn't actually anticipating her not getting in to BIMAS. I picked up on the negativity, of course, but I was really hoping this might open with a turning point. It certainly didn't "ruin" anything by you showing her dislike of the owls. In fact, I thought it really helped character development.

Also, I don't see anything wrong with BIMAS as an institution and I always thought it a little strange that everyone leaves Hogwarts and gets a job and everything is great and happy. I think it's actually a really good idea, not cliché in the slightest and you wrote it convincingly. I think perhaps the fact that it's balanced with Sara's job and other people's success really makes it feel realistic.

I think this is an absolutely brilliant start to what I'm sure will be a very original story. You've definitely covered a lot of things about the characters in this chapter and I can't really think of anything major that needs to be worked upon.

Onwards I go!

Rachel
xx

P.S. I think it should be 'prospective' candidates, not perspective, in the letter from BIMAS?

-flies-

Author's Response: Rachel!

No worries about a wait, your comments are well worth it. I'm grinning huge over normal dialogue. :) For as much as I talk in RL, getting it down on paper has involved a bit of a learning curve for me.

I'll look at fixing that Brazilian owl right up. I always appreciate knowing where things get lost in translation from my head. I'm very excited Victoire and her situation came across well. You totally got exactly where she is in life right now and that makes me exceedingly happy.

Haha, Bimas, yes, some people need that little extra.

Take care!
~Ty

P.S. I believe you're right :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 962
Submit Report: