|Review:||Hippothestrowl (can't log in today for some reason.) says:|
Potentially a good story. It lacks substance and descriptiveness; it narrates what happens and what they say but some sentences describing the environment and their feelings would give it more life.
"I'm done, Luna, I can't do this." ... He Disapparated. Erm... wow. Like abrupt. After months of working together? I'd expect that if they had just had a furious row but there is no clue to his feelings so we assume he's not particular bothered about the eggs. Yet he quits without a goodbye? Doesn't even pack his bags?
The solution to that sort of thing doesn't need a page of description but just a sentence or two, eg,
'Luna could see the annoyance which had been simmering in him for weeks coming to the boil. He slammed his book down on the table. "I'm done, Luna, I can't do this anymore!" Luna became aware his bag was already packed and lay on a chair in the corner. He grabbed it angrily then disapparated without another word.'
You see all I've done is add a tiny bit of extra description but it brings the scene to life more I think. Hope that helps anyway.
More thought needs to be given to how another person reads your work. Not easy perhaps. Read it through and think how it sounds to others. Some examples:
The word 'partner' is over-used and out of context is ambiguous. I thought you were talking about a romantic, live-in partner for quite a while. And this is puzzling to me: "she wasn't sure he would be able to leave their partnership that easy, since he was the only person who hadn't been her partner." What does that mean? How can he leave their partnership if he's not a partner?
The waitress asks her name? This just doesn't happen. Waitresses just don't ask people for their name without any reason. It jolts the reader. At least add, 'Luna was startled by the woman's familiarity but Rolf quickly explained etc. etc...' (I'd like to hear that explanation myself.)
"That's a great name," the waitress said. "I'm naming my daughter that." Does this mean she's just seen Luna and spontaneously decided she'll name her daughter 'Luna'! Or does it mean she'd already decided and it's an amazing coincidence? Neither are believable to me and will it even be relevant in the story? The only way it would work for me is if it were, eg,
"Oh! You're Luna Lovegood!" squealed the waitress in delight, suddenly realizing who Luna must be. "I'm a big fan of yours! I'm even naming my baby after you!"
You see, you can do these things but you need to explain to the reader. The example also makes it relevant to the story because it tells/reminds the reader that Luna is famous after the Battle of Hogwarts. She's probably got the Order of Merlin. She's a freedom fighter - a war hero. Hell, now even the reader wants to have a baby so they can name it after her. You see? Give some substance and power to the cold facts. Make the reader believe.
Hope you don't mind this feedback and thanks for this story.
Author's Response: 1. I'm really sorry this has taken me so long to answer.
2. The reply:
First, I'd like to say thank you so much for the review. I love CC and anyone who gives it. :D
On this part:
""I'm done, Luna, I can't do this." ... He Disapparated. Erm... wow. Like abrupt. After months of working together? I'd expect that if they had just had a furious row but there is no clue to his feelings so we assume he's not particular bothered about the eggs. Yet he quits without a goodbye? Doesn't even pack his bags?
That's actually what I wanted. It was just a sudden split second thing where he decided he just couldn't be Luna's partner anymore. (Although I still need to put in more description with it, because they are actually standing in a field...). Description has never been a strength of mine though, and it is something I work on improving, so thank you for showing me the examples you did, they'll help a lot in the future.
After reading over the chapter, I can see what you mean by partner, I'll try and use other words as well. I suppose I should have started it off with co-worker or something. I'll watch for that in future chapters.
The waitress asked her name only because she was with Rolf, who has sort of turned into a friend and so she was interested in who he's there with. I can see what you mean on the name thing, and I had intended for it to just be a happy coincidence, but I'll go back and change it when I edit the chapter.
Thank you for the amazing help! I really to love it when I get random reviews like this, which next to never happens. I think for the most part, people on here would love to improve, but that'll never happen if people don't tell them what they are doing wrong like you've done for me. So thank you for the review, and I'm glad you liked the story. And hopefully you'll see improvement if you keep reading the story.