Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:apocalypse says:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!

Flow: The flow of this story is I think, the strongest point of it! The fact that you managed to write down three different times together; one the present, two the original event, and three the memories; that's amazing! You've written it all down perfectly and I think that it was a marvelous job done! =)

If we go into more detail for the flow, I think that there were some points that could be improved. Firstly, I think that the memories you've given for Teddy should be in chronological order. For instance, the day he leaves for Hogwarts should be first and then the others should follow in the order of their occurence. That way your readers would know that this really is a memory they're reading and when it happened. It's not really a huge thing but when written combined with the present, it got slightly confusing at times whether it was the present or the past despite the change in tenses. I hope you know what I mean =) These are merely suggestions; if you don't like them, feel free to ignore =)

Characterisation: You've done a pretty good job with the characterisation too. I really liked the way you've written Teddy and how you've made him the 'leader of the gang' and the awesome friend who has a piece of advise for his friends whenever they need it. He's sweet and nice and I liked that a lot. The best part of him, however, was his guilty conscious. Most people might not like it but I personally loved that side of his. The fact that he blames himself for Fred's death even when it's not much of his fault really shows how selfless he is and how his character promotes humanity. =) Good job with that!

Even though I really like you idea of making Ted grieve Fred's death the way he did; I still think that there should more of a reason for him to drown in sadness apart from the guilt only. I mean, sure, he's guilty that he caused Fred's death but there should be something more, especially in the memories. The effect of Ted's emotions is excellent overall but what I think would have a greater impact would be if there were more memorable moments of Teddy and Fred included in the story. That would give Teddy another stronger reason to miss his friend and to grieve his death so strongly. I hope I made sense there =)

Description/depiction of emotion: Your description and emotions are excellent! The way you balanced the dialogue, the description and the overall feelings as excellent. For such a angst filled story, one would think that it would excessive emotion and a sadness overload but yours had the right amount of feelings that were described which made the balance of emotions stand out even more. I really liked the way you wrote his feelings and everything =) Keep it up!

That's it from me at the moment! This is a great story and I loved reading it! I'm really glad that you took a different take on the next gen and came up something as awesome as this! =) I hope that this review helps and that I was able to address your concerns; in case I didn't, feel free to PM me with anything you might need my comments on! =D Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 953
Submit Report: