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Review:Beeezie says:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

Overall, this was a good chapter; as always, your mechanics were pretty solid, and it flowed very naturally.

The major issue I saw with this chapter was that there were a fair number of points where I felt like a little more relevant description would have helped really convey the mood better. It's a very emotionally charged situation, but I didn't always feel the emotion from the characters as strongly as I would have liked.

For example, in the first paragraph: but Andromeda knew she needed to calm down - "knew" was a bit of a strange word choice to me, and I felt like "felt" (or something along those lines) would have been a bit more appropriate. More importantly, wanted you to expand on that a bit - why does she want Nymphadora to calm down? What does she think will happen if she doesn't? Instead, you just have her fussing with her hair, which ended up feeling a little out of place and awkward as a result.

Another example: Her hands covered her mouth as she let out a sob, then proceeded to run them backwards through her hair. The delivery of the second part of the sentence felt a little too casual for me, considering the gravity of what she's just been told, and I wanted something that felt more relevant to her feelings. As with before, the fact that she's running her hands through her hair tells me nothing. If you described how she did it, that might be different, but as is, it just feels a little awkward.

There were also a few points where I felt like italicising a word or two in certain places would have given the dialogue more punch. For example, in the third paragraph, italicising "Don't" or "not" might have just added a little more emotion to the dialogue. Similarly, in the sixth paragraph, italicising "husband" might have done the same thing. It's minor, but I think it could have just given some of the dialogue a little extra strength.

It's not that I thought that your descriptions were bad, because they weren't. I just felt like they sometimes lacked that little extra spark that really would have helped make the emotions jump off the page. (The computer screen? Whatever. You know what I mean.)

On the whole, I thought that your characterisation was good. However, I did notice a few things that felt a little problematic to me.

First, Andromeda felt a little flat to me. She was trying to convince Tonks to stay, but all she seemed able to come up with was that Remus wanted her to stay with Teddy ("You will stay here like Remus wants and look after your son."). We don't know much about Andromeda, but that seemed a little off to me. Is that really the best argument she can think of? "Listen to your husband"? It just didn't really make sense to me, and I feel like not finding a reason that relied more heavily on the dynamic between the mother and daughter really missed out on a great opportunity to bring some depth to their characters and to their relationship.

Second, Harry felt too comfortable with the situation for me. The Harry that we knew throughout the books was awkward whenever it came to strong emotions. Now, I think that sometimes people overstate that a bit, but here, I think you swung too far in the opposite direction. He showed a lot more sensitivity than I expected, especially when he started talking about "we." Does that make sense?

Tonks was done well - she was a little clingy, but I think that if you altered the way you're portraying Andromeda and Harry a little, she would have been fine. The major thing that leaped out at me was the importance she seemed to place on listening to Remus - I just didn't buy that Tonks would have decided anything based on what Remus told her to do, you know?

I hope I haven't come off as hypercritical - I really do like the story. The idea of moving on after the loss of a loved one - especially a spouse - is very interesting, and I have no doubt that you'll do it justice. I just think that with a little editing, this chapter could be even better at really conveying how the characters are feeling and bringing the scene to life.

Please feel free to rerequest when I clear my queue. :)

Author's Response: Hey, Beeezie. :)

Ah, description always seems to get me. LOL. For the first point, I put "knew" because she's been in a similar situation with Ted and I think she'd have worried, wanted to know everything, been frustrated for not knowing, and she would know that worrying excessively wouldn't help, so she knew Tonks had to keep calm. I don't think I described that very well, though.

I don't see you coming off a hypercritical; I love your reviews for the fact that you point these things out. It really helps me as a writer.

And editing and me are best friends when it comes to this story, I just hope everything else is helpful... New characters; it's a scary thing. :P But I hope I can make this chapter and Andromeda and Harry better... *fingers crossed*

Thank you!

Sam.


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