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Review:SeverusSnape15 says:
Hello, Cierra here with your review, from the forums.

This story is pretty nice! I haven't really seen anything on it much, but it's pretty good. I've only read af ew things with Gideon in it, but I think I like him.

To start off, I'd like to point out a few mistakes you've made. The sentence here: "The process continued throughout the night, and Marlene felt her spirits sink when she heard the water trickling off the roof as she slept her fitful sleep, which was frequently interrupted by the hacking of her mother in the room next door and odd creaks in the house." Do you see what's wrong with that already? It's a complete run-on sentence. It could be broken up many ways.

Then, you have too short of sentences, such as "He was overdue. That didnít necessarily mean something." You could add a transition between those and make it into one sentence.

Also, you used "you" a bit in it. I only saw it once, but you don't want to use it in a story as such. I think "she didn't have the energy to..." was a bit overused in the story, but it was obvious that she didn't I guess :)

I think it's a, seeing as Marlene seemed pretty cold and unhappy, but when she talked to Gideon? I don't see how that happen, because she seemed like she couldn't feel anything like that.

Thank you for requesting! :) I did like the story! She sounds like the Marlene I write, which makes things easier for me to read ^^ Great job. Maybe get a Beta to check things out for you (x xx


Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out the run-on - I always seem to miss a couple, haha.

I think that the other mechanical stuff you noted might just come down to personal style - a lot of the things you pointed out were deliberate choices on my part. I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. :(

Thank you for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it regardless. :)

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