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Review:charlottetrips says:
I always love reading authors I haven’t read before! Just to introduce you to how I review, if you didn’t happen to read my first post in my Review Thread, I do a Running Review which means I comment on things as I go along.

I like the little details you put with their breath coming out in little clouds and the thin ice over the Black Lake. It’s those little bits that really help pull a story together. There’s this lovely part in the beginning which is done nicely and then describing of the scene kind of gets phased out in favor of dialogue as you move further into the story. Maybe, if you look at it, you could see how that could be added in.

Lily asked [skeptically], - I don’t think that “skeptically” was quite the word you were going for as it doesn’t quite fit in with nothing to be “skeptical” about particularly delineated.

LOL, Lily thinking James was going to be asking for more than the cloak.

purposes[.]” Lily said - generally it’s a comma [,] within the quotation marks.
he had [one] this argument. - won

(I know I haven’t commented on all the cuteness that’s abounding right now but I’m saving up all my gooey comments so that I can do any cc and have my review end with all the gushing I’m going to do. Do not fear!)

James blanched. - Usually “blanch” means “to grow pale from shock, fear, or a similar emotion” which I know isn’t the case here (in terms of a negative emotion). Perhaps “James felt the blood leave his face in astonishment”? Something to relate how he’s like “OMG she’s going to kiss me!”

OK, so I can see the point of Lily acting awkwardly in the middle. You have such a wonderful set up with this adorable scene of James getting Lily to do a snow dance and then there’s this total tension of a kiss that could possibly be played out more with his thoughts (as you already did) and then add some of her own “OMG I’m seriously doing this” about the kiss. You write about James’ reaction in terms of his thoughts ( It was the best kiss James had ever had.) but don’t really put anything of Lily’s except that she blushed. And then, the point of “it isn’t snowing” can sink in and add in more perspective of Lily’s side of realizing what she’s just done and describe the feelings surrounding that. Then this could segue into Lily wanting to get back inside instead of putting those thoughts after her comment. I know that the varied perspectives can be a bit confusing, but you were doing fine in the beginning and with some care, you would do fine (or better) with this point! :)

And now I’m done reading! THAT WAS TOO FRIGGIN’ ADORABLE! I loved the whole idea of James getting slightly stiff Lily to have some fun with him and loosen up and then totally taking advantage of it (for both of them). And the whole disappointment with it not snowing and then it did snow and just proved how meant to be they were! You have brought a smile to my face with this one! XD

xChar

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Your criticism was very helpful. :) I'm editing right now and I hope to update my story based on what you said tomorrow.

And I'm glad I was able to put a smile on your face. :P


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